Aphid Attack

PLOS

I'm infested. I've eaten contaminated kale from Whole Foods, again. I noticed too late that plant lice had colonized the green leaves. I've eaten untold mouthfuls of them, aphids.

I was sitting outside the store eating, excited to be feasting on a healthy lunch of kale, beets, broccoli and grilled chicken, when I saw them. At first I thought someone had sprinkled fresh pepper onto the kale, and I took a few more bites. As I continued eating, thinking that some of the peppercorns looked a bit like small insects, I realized that in fact they were small insects. My stomach recoiled in my abdomen, my esophagus shriveled and shrank like an emptied water-ballon.

I had to notify someone, but who? The police? C.D.C? Yelp? Innocent people could be scooping heaping portions of the corrupt kale into their salad-bowls as I deliberated. I needed to act fast. I went inside and asked to speak to a manager, to alert them of my discovery. The manager arrived and I told her of the stowaway creatures hidden in the kale, and how they'd hijacked a ride into my stomach. She tersely explained, with a bit too much nonchalance, that because the kale is organic that it is sometimes subject to insect infestation. Puzzled, I looked at her and said "Yea, I understand that; clearly that's the case given I've eaten a small brood of them." She stood staring at me as though I was being dramatic. I presented the salad and showed her the pests perched atop the kale like pepper. I asked what they were, and whether my health was at risk having consumed them. She looked at me and said "I'm not sure, I'll have to ask an employee on produce; they wash the kale and are familiar with the types of insects kale can carry." She told me to go with her to customer service where she would give me a refund for the salad. I explained that I cared less about the refund than I did my health and would prefer to find the produce manager. You know, given I'd just eaten some vermin. She assured me I was fine and made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. Again I felt as though I was somehow out of line for complaining about this.

We found the other manager and he confirmed they were aphids; plant lice. He said they posed no health risk to me and that the kale simply hadn't been properly washed. They apologized for the inconvenience and escorted me to customer service for a refund and a $25 gift card. Still a bit taken back by their aplomb and the subtle air of condescension, I stood at the customer service desk as a saleswoman performed the transaction. Not knowing what to say, I asked her if this happened often. She replied "It happens sometimes," but that to her it's not really a big deal (again, it must just be me), "they're organic; more protein; like little seeds." Astonished, swimming in a sea of stupefaction, I couldn't tell if she was joking or being serious.

I took the refund and the gift card and exited the store.

This is my aphidavit.