Know Thyself

 

I realized once I was already in bed last night that I hadn't written a post. Briefly I considered writing one from my phone, but then I thought "let's not be too rigid about this." Sometimes there won't be a post. Life goes on. Hell, there have barely been posts this whole time I've been in Germany.

Nothing noteworthy or remarkable happened yesterday, I just forgot. Perhaps the compensation situation was still occupying too much real estate inside my mind. I had a followup with my manger on the topic earlier this morning. It was purely perfunctory. No real steps were taken to remedy the issue. My manager just told me the same thing as before, except this time with more details. The short of it is that, what's done is done. Oh well. No use crying over spilled milk. Unless that milk was 15% more expensive due to inflation.

Asia leaves for Poland later today, which saddens me a bit. It's always unpleasant when she leaves, but with the gloomy weather and all it's especially noticeable. When two people pair up, it becomes customary to spend most of your waking hours together, even if not in direct or sustained contact. Usually we're both in and out of meetings and phone calls and miscellaneous tasks throughout the day, one of us will make breakfast or lunch or both, the other might handle dinner. An unspoken teamwork emerges organically and you both become accustomed to this rhythm. Once it breaks, it requires readjustment. Long distance relationships simulate a multitude of miniature breakups, of a sort. Each time you separate for an interval of more than a week, the body must get confused and send unconscious signals of worry and danger. Perhaps this is why my gumline is eroding. Embodied stress. Isn't stress always embodied? 

There are advantages to the distance though. We get extended time to spend on our own, peace and quiet, the chance to exist in our own space and cultivate a little sense of self which exists outside of the context of the relationship. In a way this adds a resilience to the relationship that might not be felt otherwise. I'm not sure if I've felt it before. Never have I lived with a partner before. I was always a commuter student in love and romance. Having to dorm together teaches you new skills and lessons about yourself; where your tolerance is for messiness in the kitchen or bathroom, how much solitary time you require for balance, how much you (knowingly or unknowingly) have come to depend on your partner. The clearest observation I've made, having spent all this time with her, is that her presence in my life enhances it. It is better when she's around. Life feels somehow easier, lighter. I smile more. And laugh and sing stupid songs. 

Later, after my final meeting of the day, I'll escort her to the station where she'll catch a night bus back to Poland. The trip takes about 4 - 4.5 hours. Not terrible, but not exactly cozy either. It's right at the edge of bearable. Lucky for us. No, really. Being in a relationship for four years encourages you to notice (if you're willing to pay attention) the little things. Things that can begin to add up to a death-by-a-thousand-paper-cuts kind of phenomenon. Imagine how many relationships would fail because it's just too inconvenient to keep making a 5+ hour trip every weekend to see your partner. Or how people might find it too impractical to see your partner only briefly on a weekend, or every other weekend, or every three. You begin to learn how to temper yourself, how to deal with your inner child that wants things and is willing to throw tantrums if it doesn't get them. 

I think most of the challenge of being in a relationship is dealing with that very thing. The better you can sort your own self out, the easier time you'll have trying to work with someone else.