In a rash gesture of fiscal irresponsibility, I purchased a new MacBook. It's set to arrive today. The machine I'm currently using is from 2017 and its days are numbered. For as long as I've had it there's been something defective with the keyboard and Touch Bar. Keys sometimes don't respond when pressed and the bar flickers, which is an assault on the eyes while using the computer at night. Bright flashes of white emanate from the top right corner of the keyboard like a kind of erratic flickering heartbeat from inside the machine. This model sports the much reviled keyboard design with keys that are flat and lack that tactile bounce which makes typing enjoyable. On the topic of battery life, there isn't much to discuss. The battery is shriveled and wilted and cannot hold a charge. Whatever reading is shown to me by the battery indicator in the menu bar is a lie. Left unplugged the battery will show a charge of over 50% and still spontaneously die. My speakers have recently started making distorted tinny sounds which require a reboot to resolve. Performing simple tasks like running Photoshop or Lightroom while Safari or another app is open have become grueling ordeals as each app battles fiercely for whatever scant RAM it can beg borrow or steal.
When I used to work in an Apple Store back in New York, we'd talk about how it takes 5ish years for a computer to start to feel old. Exceptions apply of course, if you buy the top end and max out the specs. Under those circumstances you might even be able to get 7-10 years depending on your use case. For most casual users, those who browse the internet, check email, write papers and use a few messaging and productivity apps, you'd be sitting pretty for a long time to come. But if you find yourself in the position of a power user, and you routinely work inside professional photo or video editing applications, or require robust processing power for AI or machine learning tasks, then you'd likely still find yourself in need of replacing the device every 5 or so years. I'm curious to try out these new MacBooks now that Apple develops its own silicon. Everyone I've spoken to raves about the improvements in terms of speed and efficiency. But what I'm most excited for is the return of functional ports for things like HDMI and SD card connections. Personally I hated the move to remove these ports, forcing me into carrying around additional superfluous connective equipment. Who the fuck likes dongles? Living in a dongle-free world sounds wonderful. I'll see for myself in a few hours. I can't wait to plug directly into my TV to watch The Last of Us tonight.
Unless I encounter some delivery complications, of course. Getting anything delivered in Germany is a nightmare. The deliverymen must play a game where they randomly skip certain deliveries and destinations in a kind of naughty-list lottery. Recently I had DHL claim that they tried to deliver my package at times while I was working from home - on the same days when I received successful deliveries from Amazon. One day in particular I was in front of the building throwing out some trash when a notification appeared on my phone that they had just attempted delivery but I was unavailable. A scanned the block looking for a DHL delivery truck, but none were in sight. What's even worse than failing to deliver an item is when they don't bother ringing your doorbell but instead leave your package with a neighbor conveniently located somewhere else in your building, sometimes without telling you with whom they've left it. Then it becomes your job to leave letters in the hallway asking if anyone has your package, or knock on each of your 13 neighbor's doors until you find the right person at the right time. If you can't tell, it's one of my favorite German pastimes. What if they left your package with a neighbor that's insane, never home, or one that you're on bad terms with?
I remember my downstairs neighbor in San Francisco. He looked like Charles Manson. He smoked meth in the house. At all hours of the night he'd be in a meth-fueled frenzy laughing and screaming and huffing and groaning while consorting with all sorts of unseen evil spirits. I had listened to his sounds with a seething sleepless dread, dreaming of doing things most people ordinarily would not admit. Imagine having to retrieve a package from this man? One time, after days of being subjected to his binge, and after being ignored at his 3:00AM doorstep, I found myself pounding with my fists on the floor, howling back at this howling man. When you peer into the abyss, the abyss peers back into you.
His favorite chocolate was Hershey's Special Dark. I bought it for him at the convenience store down the block one time. Good old Gary. He's probably dead now, floating around somewhere in biker-meth heaven, screaming not at a cloud, but from a cloud, looking down at all of our silly little lives from that epic high.
Rest in peace Gary, for you knew it not in life.
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