Asleep at the Wheel

 

Managed to sleep better last night than the night before. I know whoever still reads this blog likely doesn't do it for regular updates on how my sleep is going, but this is where we are. While we're speaking of sleep, a phrase has been stuck in my head for the past few days and I'm not sure where it came from, or why. Asleep at the wheel. What imagery. I struggle to think of things more dangerous than barreling down a highway at 60 or more miles per hour and drifting off to take a nap. Even closing one's eyes for a couple of seconds could be deadly. I think the phrase is in my head in a grand metaphorical sense. Like how the world's governments seem to be asleep at the wheel in terms of taking any real action against the climate emergency. 

But even if we take it down to a more personal level, there are things to be learned.

How many of us are asleep at the wheel of our own lives? Working jobs they hate, studying something only because their parents expect them to become good doctors or lawyers, staying in a relationship you've checked out of emotionally because you're comfortable. There's no subtext there on that last one (if you're reading Asia)! I'm happy in my relationship. Contented, even. Asia is an excellent partner, a kind of Buddha. She inspires me to grow and deepen my sense of awareness. She is patient and kind, prone to spontaneous fits of laughter, adventurous and hopeful, and she sees the good in situations with a sort of optimism I admire. She makes me want to be more like her. It's funny how that happens. When a partner inadvertently causes you to take a look in the mirror and notice your tension through their relaxation, your frustration via her calm, your skepticism through her assumption of positive intent. Even at the risk of sounding too fawning here, I'd say that I've never been with anyone like her before. That line from As Good As It Gets comes to mind, "you make me want to be a better man." We actually watched that movie sometime last year. I was re-watching it and she was seeing it for the first time. Let me tell you, it doesn't hold up. I know it won awards back in the 90's, but man did it seem dated. Never mind the wild political incorrectness, misogyny, homophobia and liberal use of the word retard, the movie just kind of fell flat. If you haven't seen it, just watch that one scene on YouTube and save yourself the wasted time.

Anyway...talk about being asleep at the wheel! Here I am drifting off-topic and dipping my toes into love letters and movie reviews. There was some point I was trying to make! Ah, yes, how when we apply this AATW (asleep at the wheel) idea to our individual lives, metaphorically, we can begin to realize there are a bunch of things we're not realizing. As children we kind of have an excuse, given our lives are, for the most part, not being piloted by us. I mean sure, you have to do your own homework and get your own grades, but you've been set on a course and are expected to comply. Did you pick your kindergarten or dress yourself from the ages between 0 - 5? Motherfucker, you couldn't even tie your god damned shoes! It's not until about the time you finish college that you start to develop a true sense of agency. Unless of course you did it earlier by electing to drop out of highschool and pursue your dreams some other way. I don't mean that in a disparaging way, to be clear. There are plenty of people who said screw this, I'm picking up a brush and becoming a painter, or, this sucks, I'm going to be a car mechanic. There's great power in knowing what you want. 

But once studies are done, you're in the workforce now. Even then you might say there's still a track everyone is on: climb the ranks! Develop a career and become successful. What successful means, of course, is different from person to person, but the rat race is underway. Some might even say that you're still on yet another track if you're going for the white picket fence, wife, kids and a house kind of deal. And then you're in the parent track after that for at least 18 years. So when the hell are you doing anything that you want to do instead of what they told you you should do?

Are you on autopilot? Are you even in touch with the stress in your shoulders? The fears keeping you awake at night? Are you asleep at the wheel, grinding out your days playing the game they told you everyone else is playing?

Hard to say, because I'm out of time.

I think 20 mins is becoming a bit harsh of a constraint. As soon as I begin to get started, it's time to go. Granted, I did manage to do some writing this morning for the graphic novel I've been working on. I can write more about that tomorrow.