Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Eve



Christmas Eve. Every time I hear those words I imagine a scantily-clad Eve in a Santa cap, booties and a red micro-mini-skirt. No one ever talks of Christmas Adam though. Wouldn't it have sucked in paradise to not have Christmas? I couldn't imagine growing up as little Adam and not experiencing the bliss of holiday suspense, of waking up before dawn wanting nothing but to open presents.

Soon we will take a trip to the airport to pickup a good friend from Vancouver and then off to wine country we'll go. We've rented a house for the festivities, equipped with a jacuzzi and a pool, a beautiful kitchen and all the trappings of polished modernity. There will be wine and merriment; music making; sumptuous feasts prepared by our chef de partie, Mr. Terry D; story telling and laughter.

There are moments lately when I want to write, yet when I do, each letter turns into a struggle. How this happens I'm not sure, but it frustrates me beyond belief. Early on, when I first started writing, things happened naturally and with ease - but no longer. Some people say that you need to stop thinking, just write; censor yourself later. Knowing this doesn't help me though, and I critique every word to the point of stilted strangulation. Yes, the first step is awareness, realizing you have a problem, but overcoming this problem is another story entirely. In fact, knowing you have a problem potentially makes things worse because you begin to distrust yourself. Security in your ability is crucial as a writer; it is where confidence comes from. By my own standards a degree of confidence has been lost - I have become more self critical and my writing has suffered. Letters fall from my mind in little constipated clumps. Unending indecision prevails, unraveling the narrative. Exorcism is what I need.

I trust the ghost of Christmas future
will handle everything.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

More



Yesterday was my last day at work. It still seems surreal that I'm no longer with the company. It's been seven years. I started as a box cutter, receiving shipping goods at one of their most popular retail stores, and after three years and a series of promotions I found myself doing software QA on one of their most prestigious teams. I doubt there exists another employee who's had a similar trajectory. In fact I'm sure of it. I'm jobless until January. It's a strange feeling, floaty, like that weightless feeling when a roller coaster slowly rolls over the summit. There's the exhilaration too, the excitement of starting anew. I've wiped clean a seven year sand mandala that I thought I might be working on for another three years. And perhaps I could have. But at what cost? There comes a point where you have to ask yourself what you want more of - time or money.

It's really easy to make the wrong choice. In truth, we're encouraged to. We will sacrifice our most vital asset for security and comfort. We are inclined to let our emotions run away with us, chasing more security and more comfort; the more we have, the more we have to lose. A terrible cycle perpetuated by fear. 

Hoarders, all of us.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Rains on Me



I haven't written anything in a while. Well, that's sort of true. There are things I've written but haven't published. It's been a hectic couple of weeks. All of my time has been bogarted. I should change my name to Humphrey. If only I could have my very own Lauren Bacall. There's a girl I know that comes close, but she's spoken for. Funny how often that happens. It's made me realize how hard it is for relationships to take flight. Reality, governed by gravity, is more unforgiving than imagination. Love, however, is a bit more precocious and begins flapping its fledgling wings at the slightest hint of possibility. But to take flight with another requires tremendous coordination, trust, timing. In love the odds are stacked against us, always. It is why we cling to that which is tender and deep. When we feel it, really feel it, something inside us hums; makes music of our blood. It's as though a circuit has been made complete and all the world becomes a soft and lilting song. 

The rain here has been incessant. Curtains of it fall in the dark. And also throughout the day. It is for the best though, because of the drought. The rain heals the grass and the trees, restores reservoirs. There is something romantic about it. It's the closest thing to love that thirst can know. Nurturing and indiscriminate, the sky gives itself to the land in a beautifully suicidal surrender, gathering in splattered puddles and pools dreaming of spring, waiting to be reincarnated as a blade of grass, a small mushroom or a colorful flower. 

This is how the world will be
everywhere I go it rains on me
forty monkeys drowning in a boiling sea
everywhere I go it rains on me
I went down into the valley to pray
everywhere I go it rains on me
I got drunk and I stayed all day
everywhere I go it rains on me

everywhere I go
everywhere I go
everywhere I go
it rains on me

All god's chilluns can't you see
everywhere I go it rains on me
Louie Lista and Marchese
everywhere I go it rains on me
Robert Sheehan and Paul Body
everywhere I go it rains on me
I went down to Argyle
I went down to Dix
everywhere I go it rains on me
to get my powders and to get my fix
everywhere I go it rains on me

everywhere I go
everywhere I go
everywhere I go
it rains on me

everywhere I go
everywhere I go
everywhere I go

Tom Waits

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Change



Big choices are always accompanied by a creeping feeling of doubt, of discomfort, and fear. And also excitement, wonder, the rushing winds of fortune tossing you skyward like a coin. Then, earthbound, tumbling and terminal, the dizzying vicissitudes of fate reach a final verdict. 

Heads or tails?

Rippling possibility swells outward and incites change, buoyancy, creates peaks and valleys. Some ripples form perfect concentric circles and, spreading, they make still larger, previously unanticipated patterns. The entire surface, all of its delicate liquid topography, is affected by even the most subtle movement.  

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Smell of Rain



I'd somehow forgotten the smell of rain. Here it never rains long enough to pick up that "wet city" smell. Raindrops fall percussively, in rapid taps and patters. Everything shines, glistens, sweats. Looking out my window, at the smoky skies, I have no way of telling what time it is. The little drops somehow distort time, make it deeper, more liquid. There's also something restorative, calming, and nurturing that happens to the psyche when it rains. Lush green limbs and leafy ferns sprout out from the soul. Mud inside veins softens and earthworms wriggle through chocolate hearts. Everything washes away; dirt drowns, puddles wink. Cars pass by and hiss at the silence. I'm met with a memory of something I can't remember. I see it through a wet windshield, truth smeared and stretched across it like blurred light. The window opens and the cold wind rushes in, leaping up at me like an excited dog. It tingles. I breathe it in and smile. In my nose, at the ends of short hairs, a gentle yet curious dew gathers, sparkling in the dark like diamonds.

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Halt


I've lost interest in writing, at least temporarily. Whenever I try to write my mind just grinds to a halt.

So fuck it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

I Wasn't Expecting It



It was a cold winter morning in New York City. We ventured out to get a snack and some hot chocolate at the Dunkin Donuts on East Houston street, a few blocks from her apartment.

We arrived and found other people had the same idea. Sitting at the grey and purple table was a bearded, homeless man with the air of a ruined mall Santa. His eyes met mine and I smiled at him briefly before she squeezed my hand, gently reminding me to figure out what I wanted. I looked up at the donuts, torn between a French cruller and a Boston creme. Someone yelled out: "Irish. Hey, Irish." I looked over my shoulder and saw the man getting up and coming towards me. "You got that red in your beard Irish, what's your name; my name's Jimmy Duffy."

We were next in line with a few people already behind us. I wanted to be polite and not dismiss him, but she was pulling me forward toward the counter. I reached into my pocket, handed her a ten dollar bill and told her get me a Boston creme. She narrowed her eyes at me and continued to the counter.

I shook Jimmy's hand and introduced myself. Something about him reminded me of my father. He told me I had a beautiful girlfriend, that I reminded him of his nephew. He switched course and said: "It's cold and I'm hungry. Can you help me out man? Anything. I'm just trying to get something warm." Again I reached into my pocket, knowing I had another bill in there, but unsure whether it was a one or a five. I'd made up my mind that even if it was a five I was fine parting with it. Sure, I said, and a wrinkled Lincoln was placed into his hand. Astonished, he looked at the bill and then up at me and said, "a five? Holy! I can't believe it." His eyes began to get shiny. She appeared at my side with our donuts and drinks. "You believe this guy," he asked her, "he gave me a five."

He was a bloated scarecrow of a man, stuffed full of faded newspaper and loss. He stood for a moment unsure of what to do. Then, overcome with gratitude, he pulled me in and hugged me. When he did, the string that held up his pants untied itself and came slipping down, revealing his filthy underwear and dirty legs. They were a reddish purple, as though they'd been out in the cold too long. So here I am, my girlfriend looking at me while I stand clasped against a pantless, homeless Jimmy Duffy in the middle of a Dunkin Donuts. He's weeping in my arms, calling me a sonofabitch and kissing my cheek, staggering in small steps like a drunken ballerina while his sweatpants made fabric handcuffs around his ankles. "I'm sorry," he said, bending down to try and pick them up, "I wasn't expecting it."

Neither was I.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Sunburned



The sun rises. The sun sets. But it never does, actually. It is the earth's heavenly movement that creates this illusion; one of nature's greatest and most repeated magic tricks. When I lived in New York I used to drive to the water to see the sun set. I had to, or else buildings would be in my way. In that city concrete and cement tower over trees. I would drive alone, in my father's white Chevy Malibu, accompanied only by the car-stereo and the coming dark. Standing outside the door with the radio gently humming, the fading light warm against my skin, a soft orange vanishing where the sea met the sky, I would watch and think about something akin to infinity; hoping that concealed in the last glimmering sunbeam I might find some secret truth. The thought of extinction would sometimes visit me, usually while imagining time unfolding a few billions of years into the future, at the point when our sun collapses. Stars die, some of them peacefully, with resignation, and others violently, with explosive finality: one last super-luminous lament.

There was beauty in this. The notion that everything was unified by life and death and time made me feel I was part of some cosmic expansion and collapse, like the respiration of an interstellar lung. For as long as I can remember, the setting sun had always been a paradox to me: in between day and night, light and dark, birth and death. The moment hangs on the horizon with all the ephemeral tenacity and light of a human life. When it was cloudy, especially during autumn and winter months, the sky took on a different, more contemplative tone. Painted in the colors of fallen leaves, in lustrous yellows, fresh rust and vibrant burgundy, the white of the sky looked to be draped by a tablecloth set aside for Thanksgiving dinner.

One day, a friend had come along to accompany me. It was in the summer, sometime in July. The humidity in New York in July can be brutal. It stirs something inside that's immediately sticky and intemperate, almost amphibious; attracts flies. So we sat by the water, with the brusque dusk, stalked by swarming gnats and far off fireflies, waiting for the night. We'd bought a six-pack of Mike's Hard Iced Tea, the preferred choice for two sixteen-year-old boys who were still transitioning from soda to beer, and we twisted off the tops. The adult in me would like to think we kept the empty bottles in the cardboard case when we'd finished them, but the youth in me suspects we chucked them into the water to destroy the evidence (should we be accosted by a passing cop). After a few drinks we'd start to get philosophical and talk about the future, try to figure out what it all meant. We tried to imagine where we'd be, what we'd do with our lives, whether we'd still be friends. The future stretched out as long as the horizon, and as deep. There were never any answers though, only shadows, glimpses, intimations.

Once, driving on a deserted road, enclosed on each side by overhanging trees, we'd seen a ghost. We reminisced and wondered what might happen when we die. The idea of nothing was troubling; something, doubly. Leaving, there was always the feeling that I'd learned something; something swirling and vast. It was as though a piece of the sun had been buried behind my eyes.

Sometimes, if I blink just right, I can still see the imprint of a fiery green ghost drifting down the backs of my eyelids.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Wet Rags



Something unusual has happened. I've become engaged in an online debate about writing and literature. An alleged expert has criticized me for being too purple in my prose; an accusation of which I am most certainly guilty. The basic argument attempts to answer the following question: which is more important, the story or its telling? 

I may be in the minority, according to my adversary, but when I read, the prose is always more salient than the story. Consider Proust's madeleine scene; it is almost completely void of story, but his faculties for description are so deft that it doesn't matter. A meager happening, ordinary by most standards, is transmuted into a commentary on the inexhaustible power of human memory, imagination, and what it means to grow old. The passage is revered by critics, readers, and authors alike, and rightly so, because it achieves what writing should: it enhances the reader's intimacy, appreciation, and understanding about what it means to be human. James Joyce, also regarded as one of the greatest men to ever hold a pen, has a penchant for embellishment that borders on psychotic compulsion. Some of the best sentences and stories I've ever read have been written by Joyce and, sometimes, they are about nothing. Then there's Chekhov, who is lauded and loathed for this same reason. He was often criticized for flat characters in flat worlds; for stories that didn't tell a story. In a sense, I feel one must abandon traditional standards of expectation and eschew a dogged adherence to rules and style in order to achieve something significant. The pitfall, obviously, is that more often than not what results is base or incomprehensible; poor authorship. 

My online opponent, whom I actually really respect, tells me I try too hard. There is truth in her criticism, absolutely, and perhaps I should soften my preference for prose to strengthen my capacity to tell a story. There is no disputing this; she is right; my story was flat, almost non-existent. She is a mentor of sorts, one who I probably have much to learn from, if I'd listen. My problem with her opinion is that she is too much in love with the established conventions of the literary intelligentsia. She is a self-proclaimed channeler of the masters, a conduit for the holy spirit of Cervantes. Her beliefs border on dogma. Her remarks are marked by a not-so-subtle air of condescension (though she says she doesn't mean it that way) which, though irksome, causes me to smile. She feels passionately about her stance and I like that. She is blunt and honest to the point of insensitivity. There is something of myself I see in her. I'd like to sit with her and have a drink, a beer or a glass of wine. She could wear purple lipstick and sing. 

If I am being honest with myself, and why should I be anything else, what bothers me most about our exchange is that she told me I can't write this way. 

I don't like being told I can't. I tell it to myself enough. 

--------

I posted the above message in response to my new online friend. This made her even more insensitive and mean. Trenchant is a good word to describe her. She must be a terribly bitter and unhappy person (and also, I'd imagine, the type to staunchly deny it). I hate to lob the ad hominem attack grenade, but I think when providing feedback one must have tact. One must remember they are talking to another human. She reminds me of Simon Cowell; gives me the feeling she takes pleasure in all things pejorative. She uses phrases like "this sucks" and "it was agonizing reading this" to describe my writing. Oh well, some people cannot contain their discontent. Instead they must wring it out like a wet rag over the heads of others. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

Red Lollipops



The other day I thought: I shouldn't care about anything I write. Why bother? It's insignificant. I'm insignificant; we all are. Everything is. What does it matter what I write; why should I write at all. Oddly, writing still beckons me and, whispering softly, it seduces me with imperatives I do not understand. There is an absurdity to life when it comes to living and doing. Yesterday, I felt so strongly I had to escape the city that I wore a wig and an eye patch, called myself Snake, and drove as fast as I could to Sonoma. The feeling of being chased wouldn't leave me, even after I'd arrived. I guess it's because it wasn't truly an arrival; more of a layover. We only truly arrive when we last depart. Everything else is just a seat in the economy cabin - breathing in stale, recirculated air, tired trapped and uncomfortable, with aching joints and never enough leg room.

Nature did help allay my distress though, through brief distraction. Lately I feel like a child holding a broken flashlight, running wildly down a sidewalk on a cool night; falling victim to the uneven angles that hide in the dark which wait to reach up and catch the front of my shoe, to taste the skin of my knee. I need something to stop me from crying; a funny face or my mother's arms, something shiny, a lollipop, a Scooby Doo band-aid.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Accompaniment



I dreamt like mad last night; strange, elaborate dreams. In one of them, I walked on water. Almost all them involved a girl, sometimes naked, always kissed, but never mine. I think it was all the talk of dreams and mysticism at dinner that got it in my head. Now though, I don't feel well rested. There are things I need to do, laundry mostly, but still I find myself lying in bed, typing.

I'd said something to someone recently, about love. How, at its core, it is the feeling of being understood, accepted, accompanied. In its absence there is loneliness, confusion, ignorance, rejection. I've lost my point.

I haven't been out to take photos in so long that I struggle each time I try to choose a picture for this blog. There aren't any suitable photos to accompany these words.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Tea Time



I successfully abstained from drinking and drugging last night, though I did smoke a wee bit of a joint. The show wasn't nearly as good as I'd thought it would be, but I'm still glad I went. The day, presently, is sunny and blue and I need to figure out what I want to do. It would be nice to take some photos, but it's too late now to secure a car and travel somewhere far away. The familiar streets of San Francisco only hold so much charm. Maybe I'll clean my apartment and cut my hair. After that, when everything is shorn and in proper order, perhaps I'll hang with my man Marcel and continue reading his nightmarishly elastic sentences. Putting your head to his page is to drown in a sea of verbal diarrhea, ripe, flavorful, and smelling of madeleines.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Slowdive

Tonight, the three of us, Q, T and I, will go to a show after work. A renowned shoegaze band from the 90's, aptly named Slowdive, is gracing San Francisco with its sounds, which will travel out in all directions from the Warfield. I, of course, after having waited for over forty days, will be staring down at my feet, in a daze, gazing, drugged out and slowly diving, lost in the velvet waves washing over my ears. I can hear them already.

Forty days and I miss you
I'm so high that I've lost my mind
It's the summer I'm thinking of
Forty days and I'm blown away
If I saw something good
I guess I wouldn't worry
If I saw something good
I guess I wouldn't care
You said I'm always sleeping
But it's all I believe in
It's just that I'm always falling
And it makes me feel bad, yeah
If I saw something good
I guess I wouldn't worry
If I saw something good
I guess I wouldn't care
I used to try and watch you
And center on the way that you smile,
I don't know
I used to try and watch you,
I'd center on the way that you smile,
I don't know

    Wednesday, November 5, 2014

    Raving



    The building was sixty years old, tall, once distinguished. But now, in the light of the winter moon, with shot out windows and a scarred, scribbled facade, it seemed a monument to decay. The base of the building, tattered, pockmarked, covered in filth and soot kicked up by passing cars, is decorated with the various, variegated colors of spraypaint signatures. There was a time, some thirty years ago, when the building had been an epicenter of booming industry and, to the townspeople, it had provided steady income, jobs, and economic abundance. It was a metal working factory which produced, among other things, bullet shells, munitions, weapons for the war. The world, during this era, was embroiled in a series of wars which had threatened the safety and well being of peoples across many continents and countries. So it was no surprise then that this enormous factory would prove integral to the nation's military effort. All of this changed however, once the wars had ended. Soon after, the building's owner and benefactor, Mr. Charles Bradley, had been killed in a freak boating accident while on vacation in the San Francisco Bay. They found him beside his idling boat, hurled against an iron buoy, dead, in a cheap robe, wearing a ridiculous white captain's cap and sandals. It didn't take long for scandal to stir. Rumors spread, of his involvement in classified intelligence trading, backdoor weapons distribution, embezzlement and other crimes generally regarded as treason. The factory was shut down; people lost their jobs, moved out. The town, bereft of the rushing flow of currency afforded to it by the building, had dried up and become dangerous and poor. Where once there were restaurants, fashionable boutiques and stores dedicated to luxury furnishings, there is nothing but boarded up windows, corner convenience stores, gutters lined with discarded beer bottles and trash. 

    Tonight, back at the old Bradley building, there is a light on. Inside, tucked away at the rear of the building, a thin, mustached man sweeps the floor. His name is Manuel Garcia. He is old, probably in his mid-fifties, wrinkled, with green eyes and big calloused hands. In his youth he fought in the war and was wounded, awarded a purple heart, and now he walks with a slight limp. His face is accentuated by a series of freckles beneath his left eye, and his high, hollow cheekbones give him the appearance always of sucking on hard candy. Tall, paper thin, with white curly hair, and owing to the slight bend stemming from the right side of his body, he looks like an old, upright mop. The broom he carries, when it is swept, and because of his thinness, seems more like a dance partner than a cleaning instrument. Hanging over his lips, his sparse moustache, long and dyed black, flutters like moth wings when he talks. A nervous tick he acquired during the war causes him, at times, when he is distressed, frustrsted, or fatigued, to curl his lips inward and blow out, producing a silent whistle which, flaring out his dark hairs like whiskers, gives him the appearance of a catfish. He swims across the floor, sweeping, dancing with the broom to some unsung song. Outside, blowing against the high wooden fence, the wind gently knocks. Manuel, pausing briefly, raises his head to listen for the crunch of rock under boot-heels, or the careful, cautious rummaging of a tresspassing raccoon. 

    Nothing. 

    Save for the dim glow of a hanging bulb swaying slowly overhead, and the white breath from Manuel's lips, the building is completely uninhabited and alone. Manuel, when he works, is usually accompanied by a small battery operated radio given to him by his niece Maria, but on this night he was specifically instructed not to play any music. Manuel wasn't supposed to be in the Bradley building. Nobody was. He was contacted by his nephew, Antonio; a charming, well-to-do youth of twenty-five who had commissioned Manuel to get the room in order. The room, as large as a symphony hall, is to be the venue for an underground party called a rave. It seemed strange to Manuel that a young man of Antonio's standing would want to host a dance party in an old unfrequented building, but for Antonio there was little he wouldn't do. 

    Manuel's younger sister, Gabriella, Antonio's mother, had become pregnant early in her adolescence and was cast out of the house by their father, Eduard. He was a proud, disciplined man of unwavering principle who, having himself served in the military, revered order above all else; fiercely opposing even the slightest disobedience. When she was found out he'd called her all sorts of horrible things, a harlot and a whore; told her never to show herself at home again. Should she return, he said, she would be greeted by boxed ears. Gabriella, now that she had been disowned and made to leave, moved in with her then lover, Raul, and never returned. Raul lived on the other side of town and, because of his devoutly Catholic upbringing, insisted that she take up residence with him. Despite what her father thought, Raul was a decent man. He was a devoted husand and laborer for a construction company in a neighboring county. He died on a construction site just after Antonio was born. He'd fallen through an improperly fastened floorboard placed over a thirty-foot drop and was immediately impaled. A wrongful death suit was claimed, at the behest of a family friend, but after a long, drawn out court battle, it was decided no one was at fault for negligence. Gabriella's mother and father did not attend the funeral. Manuel had remained close with his sister during her brief marriage and, hearing the news, had done all that he could to help support her. He gave her money, paid for Antonio’s clothes, minded the boy while his sister was away.

    Antonio, when Manuel had returned home from the war, was already a boy of ten. With a childlike gaiety he would run from window to window laughing and giggling, hiding his face from the imaginary enemy soldiers that had them outnumbered and surrounded. He would beg Manuel to tell him stories of the war; of how the good guys win and the bad guys lose. At night, Manuel would go to him, armed with a storybook and a glass of warm milk, prepared to sit for an hour and read until the boy fell asleep. 

    Once more Manuel hears the wind banging a tree’s branches onto the wooden fence. Once more he raises his head.

    After a moment's pause, his moth-winged mustache flutters as he exhales. The broom slides over the floor and a series of soft shushes console a haggard old pile rubble; of broken sheet rock, crumpled beer cans, small emptied metal cartridges; all shivering and forgotten, lonely, obsolete and buried by a slow falling blanket of dust.

    Monday, November 3, 2014

    Never, Again



    My stomach hurts. I shouldn't have drank yesterday: it always gets me in trouble on Sunday. I remember suggesting that we stop drinking, that we go do something else, but no one listened. And it was still early when I'd said it; there was time to be saved from the insidious evils of drink! Before I could protest, there was more beer. It was strong, and there was a lot of it. So I continued drinking what might as well have been pints of wine, until things got strange. The sun was a bit lower in the sky by this time. I could tell by the way it was only faintly coming through the window behind me. The air had picked up that cold, San Francisco chill, and I regretted not having my jacket. Out of nowhere the bar had become busy, boisterous. Girls talked loudly and laughed, men ordered drinks. I began to notice the art on the walls, full of assess and breasts, cartoonish and oddly colored. I'll spare you the details of our conversation, because I've forgotten them. The next thing I knew I was outside, talking to a girl I didn't know. She was an adroit judge of character, quickly identifying one of my friends as a cocky asshole. Then I was inside, in a darkened bar, instructing a grown woman on how to best administer a hug, with hands-on examples and pointers on technique. I had become a coach, of sorts. I was certified at Burning Man, I told her, I'm a professional. I think she took my number at the end. In the dark, I could see the wrinkles on her face, the dried out rivers and canals of lost youth.

    Then we were gone.

    Somehow I was back at a friend's house, sitting on a chair while he and his girlfriend cooked. It was here I felt the distinct sensation of complete drunkenness. Had I accidentally smoked some pot? Where did this rush of vertigo come from? The room started to spin. My brain was soaked in so much alcohol my head had filled up like the sea; the bubbling, storming tides thrashed and rocked the hull of my skull, throwing me free from the helm. Waves assailed my equilibrium and I fumbled for the phone, trying futilely to send out an SOS. My ship was sinking and I needed to get to dry land, fast. I stood up and screamed "abandon ship," as I tried to leave but the boat swung starboard and I staggered and slid across the floor in an astonished electric slide. I raced down the stairs, which seemed to leap and lurch, and fell into a lifeboat that had just arrived. I was stricken with scurvy and severe nausea. I worried I'd blow all over the small confines of my escape vessel.

    And then - sanctuary! I'd arrived at my house, but the sudden ascent to my apartment gave me the bends. My stomach didn't get the message that we were done climbing and rose like dough into my esophagus. I collapsed in front of the toilet, blowing harder than Moby Dick.

    I crawled to bed, whimpering, saying: never again, never.

    Again.

    Sunday, November 2, 2014

    A Decision



    Because of where they stand, at the far end of the bar, nearest the bathroom, they're furthest from the door. "Who the hell do you think you are, talking to people like that," Gloria asks. "We're not giving you shit. Keep your snot sandwiches; we're leaving." She starts toward the door and Gérard follows after. Joe lifts the counter latch, beats her to the exit and locks it with a key. He places the key on the counter and turns the little open sign around so that it faces them, cruel and mocking. Gérard glances around looking for an alternate exit. None. He considers possible outcomes, a few of which involve an altercation. Joe is big, over six feet tall. He has a thick, fire hydrant neck and shoulders like the horizon. The apron he's wearing is as big as a bed sheet. If it came to fighting, Gérard wouldn't have much of a chance.

    "You city types are all the same," Joe says, as he walks back behind the counter. "You think you're better than everyone, that you're smarter. When the shit hits the fan though, you know who'll be the first ones to go: city folk. There are too many of you; you'll trample each other to death, claw your way over women and children to save yourselves. You've got no honor. Death and disease come out of cities. It's manufactured there. It travels out to small towns on the wings of your bullshit, progressive ideas." Joe slams his hand down on the counter. His eyes are ferocious. "Let me tell you something about the world," he continues, "it doesn't need you. You fight for equality, and forget people aren't equal. You know in your heart if you and me went head to head, we ain't equal. Same goes for women. You know why women have a voice? Because men gave it to them. WE fought and died in wars to uphold freedom, that's why. Men. Not women. And not frail intellectuals who couldn't change a goddamn tire if their car broke down - strong, brave men, who pushed things forward with their bodies; even at the cost of their lives.”

    Gloria, reliably incendiary, says: “You sexist, redneck fuck. Don’t threaten us,” and grabs for the key. Joe, closer to it than she is, produces a long bread knife and moves it toward her in warning. “Back away,” Joe says, putting the key in his pocket. He moves to the rotary phone on the wall, behind the counter, and turns it three times. “It’s Joe, down at the Milk Barn. I have a couple of thieves here.” Gloria, fomenting, screams out: “Are you fucking crazy? You just locked us in here and threatened me with a knife! Good, call the cops!” The thought crosses Gérard’s mind that someone may get hurt, stabbed, or potentially arrested over a couple of five dollar sandwiches. He pulls a twenty dollar bill from his pocket.

    “Here,” Gérard says, “you know what: take the money, keep the sandwiches,” and throws the bill on the counter. "Open the door.”

    A strange expression spreads over Joe’s face and he puts down the receiver. “You think this is about money? This is about principle,” he says, putting down his knife. He takes off his paper hat and his apron, throws them on the counter. “That’s the problem with you people: you think throwing money at somebody will fix anything. That’s where you’re wrong.” His head, when he speaks, jerks from side to side, shaking the words loose from his mouth. “Some things there isn’t a damn thing money can do anything about. What did money do for her when she was sick,” he yells, picking up the knife. “She was fine and they convinced us to put all them chemicals in her body, to hit her with radiation and feed her mouthfuls of pills!” Joe stabs the knife down into the cutting board. He’s soaked in sweat and panting. His waxen skin looks to be melting off. Deep purple veins bulge in his neck as his hands clench and unclench. “I mortgaged our house, my business, because insurance wouldn’t cover it. I watched those doctors kill her!” He coughs violently and sways behind the counter, then steps out from behind it. "They put poison in her blood, killed her.” He steps toward Gérard and begins rolling up his shirt sleeves. "She swelled up like rotten fruit, couldn’t even breathe without being hooked up to a machine. They removed organs, cut out parts of her body, disfigured her. It was disgusting what they did to her; tubes in her throat, her ass, out of her stomach.” Joe blinks hard a few times and winces. "I thought if I paid enough it would save her. I’m still paying. And then I have to deal with scum like you!”

    He stops midstep and clutches at his chest. “I’ll kill you! I’LL KILL YOU,” he says, reaching weakly toward Gérard, who sidesteps him with ease. Joe falls onto the floor with a loud crash. He lay on his side, gasping and cringing.

    “Let’s get the hell out of here,” Gloria says, rummaging through the discarded apron pocket, “I got the key.”

    “He’s having a stroke,” Gérard says, looking up at her. “We can’t just leave him.”

    “The cops are coming,” she says, “we have to.”

    “What?” Gérard asks, appalled.

    “They’ll call an ambulance when they get here.”

    “It could be too late.”

    “They'll think we killed him if we wait and the ambulance gets here too late.”

    “We’ll just explain what happened. What are they going to think we scared him to death?”

    “Gérard, he called the cops saying he was being robbed. You think they’re going to show up and think we didn’t have something to do with this? C’mon man, you were a judge; we have to go, now.”

    They don’t speak on the ride home. Gérard remembers the ambulance from earlier.

    He wonders whether they saved him.

    Thursday, October 30, 2014

    An Outburst



    A single ceiling fan circles overhead.

    Gloria and Gérard are no longer hungry. Joe has already slapped a few pink pieces of roast beef on top of some bread and is now applying liberal globs of mayonnaise. Beads of sweat gather on his face as he presses poorly sliced tomatoes into a soggy piece of lettuce. Gloria watches a clump of sweat drop from his nose like a falling H bomb, obliterating the sandwich's palatability. Gloria's face twists in slow motion as she turns her head toward Gérard. Joe sneezes out a fine mist of sweat and snot right over the pickles; mustard gas. "There's no way I'm eating that," she says.

    "Don't worry, I'm not paying for them. We'll go somewhere else."

    "Hey, Joe," Gérard says, tapping his hand on the counter. "Forget the sandwiches and the milkshakes, we've got to run."

    Joe stops moving, but keeps his back to them. Slowly he straightens, stiffens, turns his face slightly so that one stone eye peers out at them over his shoulder. He gnashes his teeth and the muscles in his jaw bulge. "You mean to tell me you just had me make these sandwiches for nothing," he asks, still with his back turned.

    "Well, no...now that they're made, they'll be ready for the next person who orders one, right," Gérard asks.

    Slamming his fist down onto the cutting board Joe says, "I haven't had a goddamn customer all day."

    Gloria looks worried. Her eyes tell him she wants to leave. Gérard doesn't want her to feel intimidated, but there's something unsettling about the situation. The air seems heavier, hotter. The ceiling fan whooshes loudly as it cuts the air, lending the scene a heartbeat. It's clear there is something wrong with Joe. His back, above the apron tie, is soaked yellow with sweat. There's a white plastic sign by the register, folded like a paper tent, which reads: the customer is always right. Something flashes over Gloria's eyes.

    "Have you considered installing a working sink in the bathroom; washing your hands before you make sandwiches; flushing the toilet bowl," Gloria says stepping forward. Gérard wishes she hadn't phrased it that way. She's always had a way of quickly escalating potentially aggressive situations. She's got a kind of molotov cocktail mouth.

    "Don't YOU tell ME," Joe screams, whipping his body around. "You come in here with your liberal bullshit and tell me how to run MY business? I've been working here for 30 years," he yells. "We never had to wash our hands; no one got sick then; we were stronger, had resistance to disease. Then you weak yuppies with your weak stomachs and weak immune systems come along. You tell me I have to clean up because you can't fight off a microbe on a piece of shit! Get out of the fucking gene pool, no one needs you - you are human pollution. I'll be damned if you think you're leaving without paying."

    Wednesday, October 29, 2014

    Hey Joe



    The sun, as Gérard and Gloria drive, is softened by the occasional drifting cloud hanging thin and white in the sky like curtains. On the winding road tall trees bend overhead and, reaching across two lanes, they provide a pleasant, passing shade. They have been driving for an hour, enjoying the lilting music of conversation. "So, I'm not sure if you're hungry, but there's a great roadside sandwich spot coming up," Gérard says.

    "Oh, I think I know the one. With the checkerboard floor and milkshakes, right?"

    They pull into the lot and park beside a wooden picnic table. The table has been painted over so many times there's more green paint on it than wood. In the sunlight it shines luridly, seems wet. Two crows stalk them from atop a telephone pole, studying their movements, deciding which one of them will leave scraps. The restaurant isn't very large, maybe the size of a small bar. A long red counter hangs over a dozen worn-out bar stools. Behind the counter is a grill and a silver ventilation system which gives the place an old-tyme feel. Another vestige of the past, a vacant looking man in a white paper hat, wearing a white smock, stands ready to take their order. He has a pin-on nametag. It reads: Joe. Joe is also the one who will be making their sandwhiches. It's hard to say for sure, but it looks like Joe has been working here his entire life. His hair has that waxy, grimey sheen one acquires from prolonged exposure to kitchen grease. His skin too, all red and suffocated, seems plastic, candley. He looks at them with tired impatience and busies himself by running a rag over various surfaces. Their presence seems to annoy him, as though they'd barged into his secret roadside fortress of solitude; an isolated, detached establishment that sells stale, lonely bread.

    Gloria becomes flustered under Joe's quiet scrutiny and can't figure out what she wants to order. Her eyes avoid his and remain fixed on the sandwich list, bouncing from description to description. The place isn't as she remembered it. The floor is checkered, sure, and they serve milkshakes, but something is different. The pictures on the wall depict the inside of the restaurant from 40 years ago; scenes of bustling crowds, young people dancing, movement. It is still now, empty, watered down by time. An old fluorescent bulb hums above the bar. The light produces a nagging, fly-winged sound. Unable to make up her mind, Gloria says: "Order for me. I'll get whatever you do. I'm going to the bathroom." Gérard orders two roast beef sandwiches and two vanilla milkshakes. Joe disgustedly scribbles on a small white notepad, like he's shooing away a bug. "Oh, and hold the mayo," Gérard adds. Joe doesn't write anything down. He turns around and starts preparing the order. Gérard considers asking Joe whether or not he heard him, for confirmation, but then decides against it. Moments later Gloria is back, too soon to have gone to the bathroom. "I couldn't go," she says.

    "What do you mean," Gérard asks.

    "That bathroom. Just go look at it."

    "Why??"

    "I think you should go have a look."

    He passes the last bar stool, walks by a dusty jukebox, and turns left toward the bathroom. When he opens the door the smell sours his face. It looks like a woman had a chocolate miscarriage in the toilet. To his right there is a sink missing both handles. The employees must wash hands sign seems more like a mocking joke than a mandate.

    "That might be Joe's shit," Gérard says to Gloria.

    "No shit."

    They both look at Joe standing behind the counter, handling their sandwiches.

     

    Tuesday, October 28, 2014

    On the Way



    "Well boys, I wish I could say it's been fun. I've got to run," Duncan says, standing. And then, affected by that highly communicable, contagious quality of departure, Ellis feels he must leave too: "Sad to say it, but I'll be going too. Take care old man, I'll see you soon." Ellis always uses the phrase old man, despite the fact that none of them are particularly old. Especially Gérard, who is nearly ten years his younger. Alone again, he sits and sips the end of his coffee, which the melted ice has mostly diluted. A new cashier has taken the old one's place; a mustached man with a shiny, bald head, glasses and sailor's tattoos. He looks like Popeye drawn as Bluto. The glasses give him an odd, distinguished air that seems somehow ironic considering how burly and gruff he is. Perhaps he thinks himself dignified, Gérard muses. The man is a walking simile, like an old man at a garage sale displaying a table full of children's toys. But surely it is not strange to sell children's toys? His age is predicated on his youth, so he must have been a child at some point. They are the discarded possessions, perhaps, of now grown grandchildren; cast off and estranged from the sticky fingers of youth.

    Gérard gives the ice in his glass a last little shake. He sucks the cold, caffeinated marrow from its bones and is out the door. The sky is blue and blazing. He lights a cigarette. There is traffic on the street, and an ambulance up ahead. People sit in their cars, forced to wait for what is either the sweet roaring siren of salvation, or a hearse painted up like an angry ice cream truck.

    It's easy to spot the poor people in their cars. They are the ones who sit with rolled down windows, wearing sweating furrows, dripping. No one with a working air conditioner would have the windows down on a day like today. He remembers Gloria has a nice car. It might be worth taking the drive just for that.

    He calls her and she tells him she's on the way.

    Sunday, October 26, 2014

    Noon



    Gérard, sitting back down at the table, finds himself without much to say. His friends speak of high-profile chefs and posh hotel bars, but these are of no interest to him. That's not to say he doesn't enjoy a good meal. During his time as a civil officer he had gone out to eat often, and dined at some of the finest restaurants in the city. He preferred Italian style cooking, like his parents used to make, but found that the city didn't have much to offer. He was actually a decent cook himself, and would spend many a night eating in, enjoying making something with Maria. They made love, cooked, drank, showed themselves to each other unabashedly. One night, after they'd eaten and cleaned up, he was so distracted by her that he'd forgotten a pie in the oven. She'd lured him into bed and pulled him inside of her, captivated him until there was the smell of burning.

    "Oh come on," Duncan yelled out, breaking Gérard's concentration, "you can't honestly say that there exists a better steak in the city than Doparé's." Ellis had a way of antagonizing Duncan, getting him up in arms at each and every opportunity.

    "Gérard," Ellis says smiling, motioning with his hand, "what do you think?"

    Gérard shrugs and slowly cocks his head with indifference. "I'm not much of a steak eater," he says.

    "Oh come now," Duncan says, "I had a steak with you just last week."

    "True," Gérard says corrected, "but it was only because you were insistent. I would have much rather had the chicken."

    Ellis uses Gérard's testimony as a weapon and hurls it at Duncan with a giddy, childish fervor. This gives Gérard an opportunity to let his mind wander. His eyes dance over the room, spotting a woman awkwardly stuffing her mouth with a blueberry scone, an old man casually picking his nose. A few fruit flies drunkly orbit his head, searching for the stiff vapor of wine or vinegar. Behind his friends, closer to the door, he notices the cashier. She has beautiful green eyes. Her skin is smooth, and her features are soft, almost sculpted, as though made of clay. She has full lips, brown hair, and an attractive, beguiling smile. The man purchasing a croissant makes her laugh and her eyes become planets, pulling in his gaze. He wonders what it's like when she looks at someone she loves, when she's enamored, dressed up and perfumed. Strong, he thinks, soft, yet strong.

    Ellis touches his arm and asks him if he needs anything, says he's going to order a drink. Once it strikes noon, the cafe begins serving beer. Gérard tells him that he'll have one of whatever he's having. He goes back to thinking about the cashier. He contemplates the possibility of their love. He imagines the delicacy of her lips, the softness of her hair. He imagines her overcome with pleasure, clutching him against her glistening body. He wonders what her name is, whether she is the type that likes to be held after making love. He hopes that she is. He then realizes how fantasy is getting away with him. But so what? After all, what is love if not a temporary infatuation with possibility?

    He thanks Ellis for the drink, raises it to his lips, watches her grab her purse, and then he lets her go.

    Most women aren't anything at all but the brief allure of fascination.

    Coffee



    "Not much, just stopping by for a coffee," Gérard says.

    "I can see that. You're really treating yourself, aren't you!"

    Gérard smiles. He's known Ellis for some time now; four years, at least. Always cheerful, his eyes have a jocular glint in them that shine like two blue tidepools. A vivacious storyteller, Ellis is the perfect company for early morning coffee. Gérard needn't say a word.

    "Have you heard about the new restaurant they're opening downtown," he asks, pausing briefly, anxiously waiting Gérard's head shake. "Well, it's all over the papers. They're getting Cuccini as the head chef, giving him full control over the menu." Gérard reclines slightly in his chair. He takes a sip of his chilled coffee and tries to listen to his friend over the radio. Leonard Cohen is playing. The door swings open and the bell rattles. It lets out a strangled chirp as it collides with the glass. From behind Ellis, Gérard watches Duncan enter the cafe and spot their table.

    "Look at you two goons. Up with the sun," Duncan says, clapping his hand down on Ellis' shoulder.

    "I wish you would've let us know you were coming," Ellis says, "we would've gone next door."

    "Next door," Duncan asks confusedly, "I wouldn't be caught dead next door."

    "Exactly," Ellis says laughing.

    They begin to banter and exchange tales of the night prior; of battle and valor, swollen conquest. Gerard excuses himself to have a cigarette. Outside the city is slowly getting to its feet. Couples walk arm in arm, others push carriages. Leaning against the wall he wonders how the day might unfold. There is a poster stapled to the wall which says there will be music in the park later. Sometime before then he will need to eat. He wants something hot but the temperature is already rising, boiling away his appetite. Something cold then, maybe a sandwich. His phone buzzes in his pocket. A friend tries to entice him to take a drive up north. He is accosted by memories of his first trip there, with Maria. It was autumn then, and the weather was heavenly. They spent the weekend in a small cabin with a black, potbelly furnace and antique looking furniture. There was a forest outside which led to a small river and a lake. One night they'd had too much wine and fallen asleep with their clothes on, before the sun had even set. He had woken up confused and disoriented, wondering if they'd slept together. Neither of them remembered a thing, of course, their memories swallowed up by empty glasses.

    His heart felt heavy and full now, drunk on remembering. Memories are always filling our glasses; especially those of forgetting.

    Friday, October 24, 2014

    A Gander



    Time passes and he wakes hunched over the piano. A small, pink sun has replaced the moon and, rising, the light creeps calmly across the wooden floor, reaching for the cup of stale tea. Gérard still sleeps, dreams of buzzing bees and fields of vibrant, orange poppies. With closed eyes he sees a young girl twirling through the field. Her lilac skirt gives her the appearance of a spinning top. She laughs and giggles and picks flowers. The sun is kissing her hair, making it hum and glow like white Christmas lights. Without intention, he drifts toward the girl as though pushed inertially onward by some invisible wave. The breeze from the wings of fat, fuzzy bees make the flowers sway and dance. He looks up at the blue sky and cannot find a single cloud. A solitary dove flutters from the tree beside him which, under normal circumstances might have startled him, but instead causes him to smile and walk toward the trunk. With eyes as yellow like egg yolks, the bird looks down at him. It cocks its head and blinks, as though surprised to see him.

    On the ground, behind the tree, something crunches. The bird bolts. Its white wings clapping like thunder as it sails away; a blur of lightning across the sky. From behind the tree the girl emerges, her hands clasped behind her back. She steps forward playfully, a mischevious smile painted across her lips. Her head hangs askance, her shoulders, demure. One foot slides out in front of her and traces a bashful circle before she looks up at him. He is met by the lightest eyes he has ever seen. They seem, to him, out of place on her face; two enormous diamonds, extravagant yet insecure, set in cheap silver. As if she knows it too, her eyes sweep down and away, under the rug of her lashes. A hidden hand is thrust forward from behind her back. When she opens it, a bright orange poppy sprouts up from her palm. It warms his face and he has to squint to avoid looking away. The flower is rooted into her flesh. Green veins pulse beneath the skin of her her fingers. Her eyes meet his again and intermingle with the orange of the flower, lending a luminous complexity to her stare. The air buzzes loudly around them, hissing, and the light on his cheek begins to grow too hot. The sunlight focuses and intensifies in her magnificent, magnifying-glass eyes. The flower flickers, trembles, and then becomes a flame. Gérard gasps and reaches for the girl, to extinguish the fire scorching her hand. Piano keys crash on the low octave and he is startled awake, welcomed by the orange sun spilling into the room.

    He groans as he sits up, cries out and straightens his spine. It cracks and pops like old wood. His hands run through his black hair, which has begun to grey, accumulating thin lines of white silk woven by small spiders. Even his numb fingers can feel the ache which rings his skull like a bell. The day brightens the room; exposing stacks of papers, bent, dog-eared compositions, a discarded pack of cigarettes, an ashtray with enough ash to fill an urn. He is not, generally speaking, an unkempt man, but has lately fallen into a sort of disrepair. Like all persons of intellect, Gérard has been stricken by certain truths which, once known, have an anti-palliating effect on the mind. Certain thoughts deprecate the heart, wither it. The more fortunate among us - those simple, narrow-minded souls - can go on unfettered and unperturbed by these pensive pains, for they need not reconcile the harshness and ugliness of injustice, inequity, and needless suffering. Before giving up his career, Gérard had been a justice, a revered and prestigious judge. He had been witness to atrocity and senseless murders, jealousies, both petty and grand evils. This indecent exposure had taken him out of tune, broken him. He wondered then, and now, how men could inflict such harm on one other. How it was possible for men to ignore the humanity in each another and debase themselves, succumbing to corruption and meanness. After a particularly troubling case involving an affair and a murder, an inheritance and disgusting manipulation, he had decided that all allegiance was only temporary. He had grown distrustful of friends and family, always suspicious of good samaritans. This is about the time he left the courts and began working as a volunteer medic and soup kitchen manager. In his spare time he spent countless hours, days, nights, composing songs.

    But where once he found an outlet and sought self expression, he now saw struggle and misplaced ambition. Imagine, he thought, what might have been achieved had I applied myself. If I had chosen a selfless path I may have made a difference, may have brought people happiness; instead I have decided to aggrandize myself and pursue riches, acclaim, and notoriety. He sighs and stands up out of frustration, making his way through the apartment toward the bathroom. He hasn't cleaned it in weeks. Errant hairs and creeping grime thwart and stalk its cleanliness. There is a yellow, rust-colored ring around the bowl. It lingers even after he flushes it. Thoughts come to him, when he is alone, as he is now. Worries swarm him. They dance around his head like gnats. What if he can't pay his rent? What if the royalty check doesn't arrive? Before he knows it he is flushing the bowl. A loud, centripetal crashing wave is swallowed. It rides on the air until it dissolves, turns to mist.

    He walks from his bathroom to the kitchen. As the cupboard swings open he's greeted by the neglected smell of old cereal. Each box is barely full, needs to be replaced. He pulls out two boxes, thinking he'll combine them, but when he opens the refrigerator he realizes he is out of milk. The door slams with a muffled clang. The refrigerator rocks, as though it just took a punch. Gerard sits down on his couch and reaches for his phone. No messages.

    He checks his email. No messages.

    The day has already become oppressively hot and he notices a bead of sweat sliding down the sides of his ribs. He'll shower soon, and go to the cafe on 1st. On weekends he always starts his day at the cafe, sipping on hot coffee. Today though, it will be iced. The smell caffeinates his nostrils, makes his nose hairs stand on end. Typically, he is alone, accompanied only by a book, or a stoic, brooding expression. Occasionally, a pretty girl, also alone, will smile coyly at him, signaling curiosity. But Gérard always averts his eyes and maintains a pensive expression. After Maria, he is afraid. He knows what havoc love can wreak. And so he is always painfully, dreadfully alone - even in company.

    He has friends that will sometimes meet him at the cafe who live in the neighborhood. He likes them fine. They're good people: warm, loving, funny. They drink too much, but so does he. They are older than he is, most of them, but he is never acutely aware of this. They are charming, artistic, clever, beautiful. One such friend arrives, unexpected and sits down at the table. "Of all the bars in all the world," Ellis says laughing, "how are you mon ami?"

    Thursday, October 23, 2014

    Glimpse



    Gerard's hands move across the piano sheepishly. Faintly, his fingers feel the keys as they fumble around a melody. Behind him the moon shines in from an open window and the keys grow sallow. Thoughts come to him, of Maria, of their time in French Polynesia. In his memory he can see the house they stayed in, feel the warmth of the sun on the patio overlooking the ocean, taste the wine they drank. Then, he is aware of silence. Once again he pictures Maria. She is the sled dog tugging at his thoughts, steering him where he wishes not to go. A false note breaks his concentration. In the dark it is piercing, sharp as glass. He winces. The silence hides nothing; forgives even less.

    He stares out across the room, tracing the thin, pale shadow of the trespassing moon. It stretches across his floor and falls on a silver spoon beside a cup of cold tea. Hours have passed since he sat at the bench. The night is beginning to take on a frustrated tone. The air seems to perspire, become humid.

    Outside there is the sound of crickets. Summer gently whispers.

    Wednesday, October 22, 2014

    A Jar Ajar



    Dreamt of another, still different ex last night. All Hallow's Eve is almost upon us, that must explain it. I don't have any particularly fond memories of Halloween, save for one where I did laundry, stayed in, got stoned and watched The Evil Dead. And it's not that I don't like Halloween, I do, it's just that none of them stand out in my mind. As such, I'll spare you any further musing on the subject.

    I feel I weary lately, beset by a tedium and restlessness I cannot rid myself of. My days unfold monotonously, predictably, without excitement. I open my eyes and then I am out the door, on a bus, eating breakfast, working at my desk, running to meetings, hungry, eating dinner (again, at my desk), boarding a return bus, walking home, in bed, shutting my eyes. When weekends come they are gone too soon. They do nothing to replenish my energy. In fact, lately, they deplete it. I spend much of Monday, and some of Tuesday suffering, punished for stolen time. Before I know it a month goes by in this way, then two. On some days I am made more keenly aware of these feelings. I get the sensation of speeding along in an HOV lane before the sun has risen, racing madly toward old age, malady, decrepitude. I tire of this subject, too.

    As I write this, I ask myself "what do you want."

    An answer.

    That's my immediate response. A moment's consideration tells me I won't get even that. Then what do you want, I ask again. Silence. Most people's problem is that they don't know what they want. The ones that do, often fail to realize they want what cannot be had; riches, fame, glory, power. On the one hand I feel our dreams should always be beyond our means, to keep us moving, to keep us striving, or else what are dreams for? But broken dreams hurt worse than broken hearts. When they shatter, shards of sharp self-hatred stab at us and resentments grow. We become irritable, mean and loveless. That first lot, the ones who knew not what they wanted, feel the deep, panging hollow of misspent time, of a lack of focus, of having missed something important which cannot be reclaimed. So, in truth, knowing what one wants actually makes little difference - we are all deceived by the duplicitous paradox of time. So what's the answer? Why do we go on knowing perfectly well how things will end?

    Hope.

    That we are wrong; that there are prizes stashed somewhere inside the cereal box; that true love will find us in the end; that given enough time, we might have an answer.

    But hope is scarcely different than a dream, isn't it? It is the blood of dreams, the marrow in its bones. If this is so, then what is left is a closed circle - a circulatory system in which we are helplessly trapped.

    Perhaps hope is worthwhile in and of itself. It is the last burning candle staving off the dark.

    And when we dream, so are we.

    Tuesday, October 21, 2014

    My Boring Story



    Tonight I told a woman on the internet I wanted to steal a pair of her dirty underwear, to get her DNA, so that later I might clone her. This way, I said, when I'm fifty I'll have a nice, young, 20-year-old girl to keep me company. For some reason she wasn't amused. Of course, by the time I'm fifty, hopefully virtual reality will have been sufficiently augmented so that I won't even need a clone. Masturbation, in the future, will be just like putting an album on the stereo. I'll have to scroll through iTunes for that night's virtual companion, pour over different styles of sex and women as I would genres and artists. It will be glorious.

    Ok, enough lewdness. I've been doing a good job of keeping things tame lately. I'm tired and don't have much to say.

     Oh, I read a brilliant story by Chekhov on my way home called "A Boring Story."

    Monday, October 20, 2014

    The Sound of Blue Light



    Sunday was lovely.

    Dreamy.

    We sat as cats, in front of the window, on the floor, satisfied and purring, stoned on catnip. I said something profound, or thought I did, but I can't remeber it now. Before we knew it the day had conspired with the night and turned out the lights on us. So I turned on a projector, producing an emerald-green universe which spun slowly over our heads, like a luminous, celestial mobile. There was something somehow aqueous about the stars, the way they drifted across the ceiling, glimmering, blanketed by a blue, undulating aurora. We listened to old radio broadcasts, songs from the souls of dead singers; how they haunt our hearts long after they've gone; echoes wandering lonesomely through space and time, painted with the pale fire of long dead stars.

    We fell briefly from time's merry-go-round, hiding beneath it and laughing, watching with wide eyes as it whirled around above us. The stars weren't dead where we were. Neither were the singers.

    Somewhere there were blue waves crashing under a coal-colored sky.

    Sunday, October 19, 2014

    Cacophonies and Constantine



    Damned parrots. They're just big, colorful bats. A rainbow of them screeched and squawked as they unleashed an early morning litany on the still sleeping sky. The birds circled in a cyclone outside my window as if directed by the ghost of Hitchcock himself. And then there were the church bells. Clanging and clapping, the bells rabble roused and rang, toppling any chance of rest. A man can get no relief.

    Sunday, an alleged day of rest, will be a day of laundry and cleaning. Sunday is the rug under which a week's worth of procrastination gets swept. Sunny Sunday, how I hate you. But I love you, too. For you are the last buttress protecting me against Monday. You are my last day to delay and dawdle. There needs to be a day added to the week, to make things even: an 8th day. It should fall between Saturday and Sunday, and it should be called Funday. I'm sure this isn't an original suggestion; let me check. Interesting. It turns out the Romans had used eight day weeks, but then that prick Constantine came along and decreed that the week should be seven days. There's a fuck up we never recovered from. I want to start a civil rights campaign where we take back the 8th day, for the people. Why did we agree to work five days a week and only have two to ourselves? Granting us another one seems like the morally responsible thing to do. To do otherwise would be repressive and discriminatory, unjustly infringing the freedom of the individual to reclaim what was taken from him.

    Ok, I stopped writing this post and got lost in a sea of internet articles. Sorry. My train of thought has been derailed.

    Not even Casey Jones can save me now.

    Saturday, October 18, 2014

    Damned, Doomed



    Still more dreams. I don't get it. Maybe it's because I've been having a beer before bed. It must be equivalent to eating candy before going to sleep. In one dream I had made a bet, and left it up to the tried and true method of coin tossing to decide my fate. I called heads and lost, but continued flipping to see how long it would take me to get heads, curious to see how wrong I was. Tails came up every time. This prompted me to turn the coin over and inspect the other side: tails, twice.

    Well I'll be damned, and I was.

    Then I had a dream about another, still older ex. I don't remember what happened exactly, but it was nice to see her, even in the astral plane. In my next adventure I caught a bus to a show, but once I boarded the bus became a black town car where I shared the backseat with an Irishman whom I did not know. By his accent, I thought him from Armagh, but when asked he looked at me as if he didn't know the place. He tried to sell me a handful of ecstasy tablets he'd wrapped up to look like a roll of Smarties.

    I just read an article outlining the distinction between passive and active voices. It shames me to say that I cannot write well in the active voice. The voice is alien to me, but shouldn't be, considering I've been writing for a while now. I blame the school system, of course, for not teaching me the necessary skills to write well. I can understand the voices in their simplest forms, but not when applied to first person narratives: the cow jumped over the moon (active) vs the moon was jumped over by the cow (passive). But what about cases like: I had been bit by a snake vs a snake bit me; I was hit by a car vs a car hit me. The article cites phrases like "it was," and "there is" as ones to be avoided, but I know I use these phrases like mad on this blog. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Surely, if I haven't mastered a concept as simple as this, I'm doomed.

    Well, no time to dwell. I'm scheduled to pick up a car in twenty minutes and I must be off. We're headed to Russian River, to enjoy the ride and pick up some Pliny.

    Friday, October 17, 2014

    Mooslim



    Still having strange dreams, strangely. A past love keeps fluttering by, attracted to the glowing lightness of sleep, moth-winged and dancing in the dusk of quiet repose. Each time I wake I find another hole has been eaten in time's veil, allowing to shine through the light of old memories and forgotten feelings. I'm not entirely sure what it means, but when am I ever.

    Last night I had perhaps the best burger I've ever had in my life. It was at Umami Burger, with the Profuser. We had been en route to Roam, another burger joint, but quickly decided to change course for Umami. We each got different burgers, cut them in half and shared them, like lovers do. You cannot judge a book by its cover, nor can you judge a burger by its name. Mine was called the manly burger, a testament to manliness and an affront to my arteries, while his was called the royale, dignified, esteemed and bilingual. I'd eaten my half and felt pleased with my choice, until I bit into the royale.

    Holy cow; it must've been.

    My taste buds knelt in supplication, like a mass of Muslims at mass. My mouth had become a mosque. A beard sprouted and hair grew in rivers, falling from my face like Wookie waterfalls. The meat and bread and sauce were drowned in surges of saliva, great waves which sent them crashing, shipwrecked, against the stony shores of my teeth. I felt ecstatic. I chanted my mantra: wow. The burger was orgasmic, it made my eyes roll. After the last bite I was hit by the painful realization that I had no burger left. I begged the Profuser to split another one, urged him to do this favor for me, told him I needed just a few more bites. I felt like a junkie, a fiend, inconsolable and needing. He wouldn't budge, the fat fuck. So I just walked outside and got pumpkin ice cream, in a waffle cone. Then I went home and ate pumpkin pie. I might have a problem.

    Thursday, October 16, 2014

    Awakin



    When you're going to sleep, you've taken the first step toward waking up.

    When you're waking up, from the moment you open your eyes, you're drifting back to sleep.

    Wednesday, October 15, 2014

    Beating



    Well, it looks like the Ebola scare has finally gotten to me. Last night I dreamt I was somewhere in Asia, with friends, and an ex-girlfriend of all things, as I discovered fields of food had been contaminated by sick monkeys and fruit bats. Guess who had just eaten lunch. Then, just before I woke up, I had a nightmare I was trapped inside a motorcycle gang's clubhouse where a deranged woman on methamphetamines wielding an ax hacked away at the door I hid behind. She couldn't be reasoned with, of course, nor could she be dissuaded. I managed to flee through an adjacent door while she was hammering away with the determined fury of a practiced lumberjack. When I fled though, as I entered the street, I was greeted by 20-foot tall prison fences festooned with barbed wire. There was no escape. Fortunately, I woke up right as I had pressed myself against the gate, hopelessly searching for an opening. I know I said I was going to talk about things that were more positive, and lighter, but it seems my unconscious mind had still heavier surprises in store for me. Okay, now that the fog of sleep has lifted from my weary brow, let's move away from axes and razor wire.

    I feel pretty good this morning. I'd forgetton how powerful an effect the gym could have on your health. Our bodies, much like our minds, need to be used, exercised, or else they fall into disrepair and decay. Presently, I possess the musculature of an atrophied geriatric, but soon, soon.

    Hmm, what else can I bore you with? I've already talked about dreams and fitness (or lack thereof); I'm running out of ideas. Maybe a happy memory that's only happy to me, or a joke that you just had to be there for. Oh, I know! A story from Saturday:

    C and I had just had breakfast, excellent Mexican food paired with several, salty tequila-based drinks. W had been with us but he had to leave before the food arrived in order to make it to a nearby drum session. We told him we'd meet him there after we wrapped up. During the 2-block walk, C produced a small, superfluous joint. I considered not smoking it at all, but then I thought it foolish not to; what better way to walk into a room full of strangers pounding on African drums than drunk and stoned, and white. Once we arrived, awkwardly we pushed open the door from where the music was emanating and found ourselves amidst a room full of beautiful women, all of them dancing as though possessed. The beat, hypnotic and virile, had them entirely in thrall; us too. We stood there dumbfounded and stupid, staring, transfixed and oblivious. When the realization landed that we were obstructing the dancefloor, we scuttled toward the bleachers and remained seated.

    W looked entranced, his hands were a blur, flapping and beating like swollen hummingbird wings. The women, too, were mesmerized, moving like animals, deer or gazelles, dancing, jumping and flitting. I felt like an animal too: a tranquilized, sedate snake. I couldn't help swaying and flapping like a flag, tapping my foot like a rattle. Something inside me slithered and hissed with satisfaction while the loud rhythmic beating rebelled against the silence, obliterating it. It reverberated off the air around me, shook my skull until my ego broke into fine pieces, like sand, and my head became a maraca. I was lost in the sound; I could hear the language of the drums telling old, long-forgotten stories, vibrating atoms until we all buzzed as the same truth. There was something profoundly tribal about it; the sense of belonging, of being nothing and at the same time something. Then, as I glanced up, the lead drummer invited me to play. I turned him down, obviously, given I have no experience playing the drums and I didn't want to fuck up the sound they'd created. So they continued, and we continued listening, and the dancers continued dancing.

    I can still hear it.

    Tuesday, October 14, 2014

    Ever After



    *From earlier

    I'm on my way to the gym, finally. It's only been two months, but my body has thoroughly deteriorated, wilted, turned into a burlap sack full of chewed up cheeseburgers and beer. I'm soft, made of White Castle buns. With persistence I might get back to my former health, be able to support my own bodyweight without the threat of imminent collapse. Here's to hoping.

    Walking to the bus earlier, I talked with a friend from New York whom I haven't spoken to in some time. It was nice to hear she was doing well, that she was still as I remember her. There are times, as you grow older, that you realize you've become estranged from a friendship, made a stranger by distance and time; unlinked and alone, an unchained melody. Be gracious when you find friendships still intact. I just listened to the song by the same name, made popular by the Righteous Brothers. I never noticed how much the lyrics plead for mercy, for death, to be reunited with that overcrowded and lonely ocean, infinite in its obscurity.

    Happy morning thoughts!

    Maybe it would make us all happier if we replaced every instance of the word death with love. In life, two things are certain: love and taxes. Do not fear love. No one can escape love. See, isn't that nicer? The thing about nicer though, is that it's usually less true. Nicety in aesthetic is always a contrivance, a deception designed to conceal, to temporarily entomb entropy; wow, what a nicely groomed lawn; cropping out that blemish would make that photo look a lot nicer; look at little Billy, doesnt he look so nice and clean; wouldn't that story be nicer if they lived happily ever after.

    Oh, my love, my darling
    I've hungered for your touch
    A long, lonely time
    Time goes by so slowly
    And time can do so much
    Are you still mine?
    I need your love
    I need your love
    God speed your love to me

    Lonely rivers flow
    To the sea, to the sea
    To the open arms of the sea
    Lonely rivers sigh
    "Wait for me, wait for me"
    I'll be coming home, wait for me

    Oh, my love, my darling
    I've hungered, for your touch
    A long, lonely time
    Time goes by so slowly
    And time can do so much
    Are you still mine?
    I need your love
    I need your love
    God speed your love to me
    Lonely mountains gaze
    At the stars, at the stars
    Waiting for the dawn of the day

    All alone I gaze
    At the stars, at the stars
    Dreaming of my love far away

    Oh, my love, my darling
    I've hungered, for your touch
    A long, lonely time
    Time goes by so slowly
    And time can do so much
    Are you still mine?
    I need your love
    I need your love
    God speed your love to me

    ----------

    On my way home from work I listened to a podcast that delved into the topic of Nihilism, and why it seems to have such an appeal to rebellious youth, why it's so prevalent in pop culture. They cited Nietzsche, punk and metal, True Detective, Russian literature. Initially they postulated that it's because we have an innate desire to repudiate, to dismiss what insults our soul, to resist much and obey little. But at the conclusion of the show they suggested it is a way of making a stand, of saying - we are unafraid. I would extend this even further and say that our fears and insecurities goad us toward a feigned fearlessness. We are very much afraid (how could we not be), and therefore act contrary in an attempt to will it away. Ok, I'm done with the doom for today; you have to get it out sometimes.

    Tomorrow I promise to talk of lighter thinks, you know, like helium.