Never, Again

My stomach hurts. I shouldn't have drank yesterday: it always gets me in trouble on Sunday. I remember suggesting that we stop drinking, that we go do something else, but no one listened. And it was still early when I'd said it; there was time to be saved from the insidious evils of drink! Before I could protest, there was more beer. It was strong, and there was a lot of it. So I continued drinking what might as well have been pints of wine, until things got strange. The sun was a bit lower in the sky by this time. I could tell by the way it was only faintly coming through the window behind me. The air had picked up that cold, San Francisco chill, and I regretted not having my jacket. Out of nowhere the bar had become busy, boisterous. Girls talked loudly and laughed, men ordered drinks. I began to notice the art on the walls, full of assess and breasts, cartoonish and oddly colored. I'll spare you the details of our conversation, because I've forgotten them. The next thing I knew I was outside, talking to a girl I didn't know. She was an adroit judge of character, quickly identifying one of my friends as a cocky asshole. Then I was inside, in a darkened bar, instructing a grown woman on how to best administer a hug, with hands-on examples and pointers on technique. I had become a coach, of sorts. I was certified at Burning Man, I told her, I'm a professional. I think she took my number at the end. In the dark, I could see the wrinkles on her face, the dried out rivers and canals of lost youth.

Then we were gone.

Somehow I was back at a friend's house, sitting on a chair while he and his girlfriend cooked. It was here I felt the distinct sensation of complete drunkenness. Had I accidentally smoked some pot? Where did this rush of vertigo come from? The room started to spin. My brain was soaked in so much alcohol my head had filled up like the sea; the bubbling, storming tides thrashed and rocked the hull of my skull, throwing me free from the helm. Waves assailed my equilibrium and I fumbled for the phone, trying futilely to send out an SOS. My ship was sinking and I needed to get to dry land, fast. I stood up and screamed "abandon ship," as I tried to leave but the boat swung starboard and I staggered and slid across the floor in an astonished electric slide. I raced down the stairs, which seemed to leap and lurch, and fell into a lifeboat that had just arrived. I was stricken with scurvy and severe nausea. I worried I'd blow all over the small confines of my escape vessel.

And then - sanctuary! I'd arrived at my house, but the sudden ascent to my apartment gave me the bends. My stomach didn't get the message that we were done climbing and rose like dough into my esophagus. I collapsed in front of the toilet, blowing harder than Moby Dick.

I crawled to bed, whimpering, saying: never again, never.

Again.