Week One - A Whole New World

 

This concludes my first week as an unemployed good-for-nothing drifter. Much has changed since I last wrote:

• My position at work has been dissolved
• I've returned to the gym
• I have reclaimed a daily meditation practice
• I'm reading more
• I've started a gratitude journal
• Asia and I have signed up to become facilitators in Community Building
• My interest in Buddhism has been rekindled
• My penis has grown 7"
• I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico
• I've gotten my teeth cleaned for the first time in nearly 6 years

I won't talk about all of these things, only the important ones. Seven extra inches. It's absolutely changed my life! Now when I stand at the urinal in public restrooms I don't have to use the kids' urinal anymore. I can really rock out the way I've always dreamed.

Losing your job is a fascinating experience. It teaches you about fear, uncertainty, freedom, and money in a way only being jobless can. In my case the termination wasn't a surprise. I'd been expecting it for many months now. It started when my entire team had either quit or been fired. Finding myself orphaned - for the second time at the company - was not what we call in the business a good omen. Luckily, as you may know from reading my previous posts, back in April I'd untethered myself from my employer in terms of my residence permit. Now I am in no danger of being deported. And while I am under no threat of destitution or homelessness, I do look like I may be both, or either. My straggly beard is still hanging off my face, and I'm still considerably underweight as a result of the chronic gastritis that's been plaguing me for nearly a year now. On the bright side, my return to the gym has helped me gain a kilo over the past two weeks.

I'm still in the honeymoon phase of my unemployment, so it isn't lost on me that things could take a sudden and unexpected turn for the worse. I may, for instance, succumb to pangs of panic and find myself in the throes of great worry, having been bereft of both purpose and the capacity for economic productivity. Meditation, daily physical exertion, reading, and some artistic outlets have been put in place to keep me on the tracks. Earlier I was speaking to Asia expressing how establishing these routines are very important for me during this uncertain time. They are protective mechanisms; preventative, even. While beneficial, they do introduce a sort of complication in terms of how they impact our long-distance relationship. It means that for now a greater burden is placed onto Asia. She must take the initiative to come to me: since any departure from Berlin at this point runs the risk of jeopardizing my routine at this critical juncture. I'm aware of this and want to do what I can to be flexible and supportive, but I know myself. If I take away the guardrails I've put up, I can easily spiral out. In order for me to show up for our relationship I need to show up for myself and ensure I'm taking proper care. I'm no use to anyone if I'm destabilized, erratic, anxious and out of touch with my needs and feelings.

But since I am in this honeymoon phase, I can enjoy the added leisure time spent reading, playing guitar, meditating. It definitely feels more natural than working for a company 8hrs a day. I can't imagine, and hope I don't eventually have to, return to that world. It's dehumanizing. Right now I'm staring out at an all new open road. For the first time in my adult life my future seems wide open. There's no guidebook or plan for how to proceed when you're 37-years-old and find yourself unplugged. Some things are clear. It's clear I want to get involved in regenerative practices. I want to help people and places in the face of all the cruelty, dehumanization and ecological destruction. We know we'll be doing inner work as we move along the path in Community Building. We'll be meeting interesting people with much to show us and even more to learn. We'll spend time on farms and eco-villages helping learn a thing or two before setting out to do it on our own. We might even find a community that feels like home and join them. A whole new world is possible. 

A better, more humane, more interconnected, vibrant, playful, healing, mystical and kind world.