The Third Day

 

Today's meditation was more mild than the previous two. Maybe this is what happens - things gradually calm down and slowly fade into harmonious resolution. Or maybe they ebb and flow and come in waves and cycles. It's too soon to tell, having only done this for three days. 

In this meditation I decided to approach it from a different angle: instead of trying to juggle a circle of different parts all trying to be seen and heard at the same time, isolating the shamed part in order to work on its problems and needs seemed more straightforward. So the request was made to the group and myself and the shame wandered off to a grassy overhang looking out over a lake reflecting the moonlight. In the distance was the gentle hiss of a waterfall. During our discussion, which was foggy and not as definable as before, other parts flickered in and out. Jealousy and assertiveness. Assertiveness relates to shame because it wants shame to stick up for itself and to reject the maladaptive beliefs that whisper (sometimes scream) I'm not good enough. Jealousy, on the other hand, can become activated if shame is triggered. It covets whatever inadequacy shame perceives in itself. If my feeling is that someone is funnier or more clever than me, maybe better looking or more interesting, then jealousy may intervene to feel angry about how unfair it all is; why can't I be funny or good looking, why don't people like me?

It was useful to observe the interplay between these different forces, or parts, and notice how they protect and build upon one another. But the most crucial question asked to my shamed part today was regarding why, when overwhelmed with shame, does it distrust the good intentions of a person and elect to subscribe instead to a negative belief about itself? How does that serve or protect it? Certainly choosing to denounce the negative or critical belief would be more useful if the aim is to lessen feelings of inadequacy. When this question was asked, an answer was not given for a long while. Only toward the end of the session did it tell me.

If I suspect the worst intentions of a person, then I won't be fooled when they hurt or betray me.

It hurt to hear this. It resonated deeply and I understood. I recalled traumas from early childhood, early romantic relationships, friendships. The only thing worse than having someone confirm the limiting beliefs you have about yourself is having been gullible enough to have let your guard down and trusted that they cared about you in the first place.