Observations From The Interior

 

I made a mistake yesterday by not immediately writing down any notes or observations after my meditation session. Only later, perhaps two hours later, did the opportunity arise to record and document what had happened. Promptly after the session ended there was a call from my mother. She is to have hip surgery in two weeks. For years now she has been walking with a limp due to pain. She used to be a runner, competing in various marathons and half marathons around New York and on Long Island. Not only that, but she was also a personal trainer for most of her adult life. Fitness was something core to her identity. Recently, she's been walking with a cane, like a hobbled pimp. Her nerves and anxiety have been tormenting her about this. Not about becoming a pimp, but about what may result from the operation.Worries of complications, infections, further loss of mobility, a long and arduous recovery cycle, supporting herself while out of work during the six-week rehabilitation period, not to mention the elephant in the room - death. All of us, particularly as we age, begin to fear death will be delivered to us sooner than we'd like, and in ways more painful than we'd be comfortable contemplating for any length of time. 

Once we concluded our conversation (shortly before, actually) Asia's brother arrived home from the women's volleyball game he'd been coaching. They lost. He wasn't too bothered by it because the team had already sunk their chances to move on to the finals. Now, he said, it freed him up to focus on cohesion and improving team spirit. Amongst the players there were rivalries and heated court-side arguments which would spill out onto the field and damage cooperation and morale. Emotions run high during sporting events, especially when playing to win. Sometimes simply letting go of the desire for victory can transform a destructive dynamic and redistribute emphasis on playing. Over the past weekend a friend had relayed a story about a time he spent in Thailand at a silent meditation retreat. He told us about how the presiding monk had a humorous disposition, amusing anecdotes and a funny, cartoonish voice. Imitating the monk, my friend said, "you must release the mango." We laughed and wondered what the meaning of the silly phrase was. He went on to repeat the same short parable the monk had repeated to him:

In a dense jungle there was a hunter. The hunter was hunting apes. To hunt these apes he would set a trap. The trap consisted of a delicious mango placed in the center of a metal cage. Inevitably a wandering ape would come across the cage and see the delicious mango inside. The ape, with an open hand, would reach in, grab the mango, and find itself trapped when it tried to remove the hand clutching the mango. Unwilling to release the mango, the ape would pull and pull and try in vain to free itself from the trap. 

"So," the monk would say, "if you want to be free, you must release the mango!"

After Asia's brother and I had been speaking for a while Asia came home. It was at this point that my attempts at note-taking were abandoned. 

The problem with not capturing notes right away after one of these IFS deep-dive meditations is that the texture and content of the experience quickly evaporate, like the details of a dream upon waking. If they are not hastily scribbled down then they are lost to language; which is fine, since some things are not meant to be trapped in the amber of grammar or pinned down by words. In fact, the meditations are much like dreams. Ideas and feelings are frequently conveyed through imagery and memories - through the senses instead of the intellect. Commonly, the words come slow and opaque. There is much stillness. At times the sort of dreamworld in which the experience takes place itself becomes murky and indistinct as my concentration wanes or is interrupted. If too much liberty is taken with respect to managing the experience - grasping at answers or prioritizing speed over quality - the space begins to recede.

Lesson learned. For now, at least.

So, below are some notes taken too late and too long after. 

Notes from the second session:

• A new part emerged: Judgement (mother of shame).
• Judgement wore an astronaut suit, Daft Punk-esque sci-fi silver helmet.
• Later a second new part emerged: Self-policing (sibling or brother or some other relative of shame). 
• Police part dressed like a NYC cop.
• First person to show up in these sessions is always fear (and the guard).
• This is illuminating since I often feel this is true for me in life in general.
• When shame appeared it said it was feeling a bit better and it enjoyed playing and exploring.
• Noteworthy because when overwhelmed with shame we often can't focus on anything but ourselves. 
• This signifies a shift.
• Judgement's self-proclaimed purpose was also protective and aimed at self-development and growth to surface areas for improvement.
• Shamed part said that when this is directed inward it becomes a sort of auto-immune attack and this can be damaging to the self.
• Shamed part voiced displeasure to the judgement part, indicating that there's a paucity of positive judgements or acknowledgements and a toxic fixation on the negative or bad. 
• Shame made a request to start adding these positive judgements and reducing or excluding the negative, abusive ones.
• Shame also confronted judgement about how it seems to take pleasure in some of the crueler judgements and wondered why this was.
• Judgement did not seem moved to speak.
• Surprised by how fast the hour went.