The Horror of Count Rockula

 

Here's a quickie. The weather in Wrocław is rainy and dark. Proper horror movie weather. I watched The Horror of Dracula earlier, starring Christopher Lee as Count Drac and Peter Cushing as Dr. Van Helsing. Classic Hammer Horror at its best. Give it a whirl if you're looking for something retro with good set design, impeccable costumes and great music. For October I've been watching a horror movie every night. It's been tough because inevitably I'll miss one and then need to watch two horror movies in a day to get back on track. At the moment I'm still behind and need to watch two more today to get back on track but there isn't any time since we have to meet friends in town before their trip to India this weekend. With only a few days left in October it would be a shame to stumble after coming so far. Give me strength my friends!

IFS meditation update:

Today my fear part became the focus of the session. Myself, shame and judgement all scrubbed him clean when he transformed into a giant ossified tooth. 37 years of plaque and grime, spiritual coffee stains, and all varieties of decay and paranoid bong resin had accumulated all over its surface. We power washed him with enormous toothbrushes, buffers and drills. By the time we were done he was pearly white and shining. All of the polluted black scum we'd removed washed away into a stream and got carried down the waterfall. 

There was the intuitive sense that dispersing all of that out into smaller particles instead of having one part try and deal with all of it made more sense. Why have one person struggle with a giant boulder when each person could carry a small brick?

The Third Day

 

Today's meditation was more mild than the previous two. Maybe this is what happens - things gradually calm down and slowly fade into harmonious resolution. Or maybe they ebb and flow and come in waves and cycles. It's too soon to tell, having only done this for three days. 

In this meditation I decided to approach it from a different angle: instead of trying to juggle a circle of different parts all trying to be seen and heard at the same time, isolating the shamed part in order to work on its problems and needs seemed more straightforward. So the request was made to the group and myself and the shame wandered off to a grassy overhang looking out over a lake reflecting the moonlight. In the distance was the gentle hiss of a waterfall. During our discussion, which was foggy and not as definable as before, other parts flickered in and out. Jealousy and assertiveness. Assertiveness relates to shame because it wants shame to stick up for itself and to reject the maladaptive beliefs that whisper (sometimes scream) I'm not good enough. Jealousy, on the other hand, can become activated if shame is triggered. It covets whatever inadequacy shame perceives in itself. If my feeling is that someone is funnier or more clever than me, maybe better looking or more interesting, then jealousy may intervene to feel angry about how unfair it all is; why can't I be funny or good looking, why don't people like me?

It was useful to observe the interplay between these different forces, or parts, and notice how they protect and build upon one another. But the most crucial question asked to my shamed part today was regarding why, when overwhelmed with shame, does it distrust the good intentions of a person and elect to subscribe instead to a negative belief about itself? How does that serve or protect it? Certainly choosing to denounce the negative or critical belief would be more useful if the aim is to lessen feelings of inadequacy. When this question was asked, an answer was not given for a long while. Only toward the end of the session did it tell me.

If I suspect the worst intentions of a person, then I won't be fooled when they hurt or betray me.

It hurt to hear this. It resonated deeply and I understood. I recalled traumas from early childhood, early romantic relationships, friendships. The only thing worse than having someone confirm the limiting beliefs you have about yourself is having been gullible enough to have let your guard down and trusted that they cared about you in the first place.

Observations From The Interior

 

I made a mistake yesterday by not immediately writing down any notes or observations after my meditation session. Only later, perhaps two hours later, did the opportunity arise to record and document what had happened. Promptly after the session ended there was a call from my mother. She is to have hip surgery in two weeks. For years now she has been walking with a limp due to pain. She used to be a runner, competing in various marathons and half marathons around New York and on Long Island. Not only that, but she was also a personal trainer for most of her adult life. Fitness was something core to her identity. Recently, she's been walking with a cane, like a hobbled pimp. Her nerves and anxiety have been tormenting her about this. Not about becoming a pimp, but about what may result from the operation.Worries of complications, infections, further loss of mobility, a long and arduous recovery cycle, supporting herself while out of work during the six-week rehabilitation period, not to mention the elephant in the room - death. All of us, particularly as we age, begin to fear death will be delivered to us sooner than we'd like, and in ways more painful than we'd be comfortable contemplating for any length of time. 

Once we concluded our conversation (shortly before, actually) Asia's brother arrived home from the women's volleyball game he'd been coaching. They lost. He wasn't too bothered by it because the team had already sunk their chances to move on to the finals. Now, he said, it freed him up to focus on cohesion and improving team spirit. Amongst the players there were rivalries and heated court-side arguments which would spill out onto the field and damage cooperation and morale. Emotions run high during sporting events, especially when playing to win. Sometimes simply letting go of the desire for victory can transform a destructive dynamic and redistribute emphasis on playing. Over the past weekend a friend had relayed a story about a time he spent in Thailand at a silent meditation retreat. He told us about how the presiding monk had a humorous disposition, amusing anecdotes and a funny, cartoonish voice. Imitating the monk, my friend said, "you must release the mango." We laughed and wondered what the meaning of the silly phrase was. He went on to repeat the same short parable the monk had repeated to him:

In a dense jungle there was a hunter. The hunter was hunting apes. To hunt these apes he would set a trap. The trap consisted of a delicious mango placed in the center of a metal cage. Inevitably a wandering ape would come across the cage and see the delicious mango inside. The ape, with an open hand, would reach in, grab the mango, and find itself trapped when it tried to remove the hand clutching the mango. Unwilling to release the mango, the ape would pull and pull and try in vain to free itself from the trap. 

"So," the monk would say, "if you want to be free, you must release the mango!"

After Asia's brother and I had been speaking for a while Asia came home. It was at this point that my attempts at note-taking were abandoned. 

The problem with not capturing notes right away after one of these IFS deep-dive meditations is that the texture and content of the experience quickly evaporate, like the details of a dream upon waking. If they are not hastily scribbled down then they are lost to language; which is fine, since some things are not meant to be trapped in the amber of grammar or pinned down by words. In fact, the meditations are much like dreams. Ideas and feelings are frequently conveyed through imagery and memories - through the senses instead of the intellect. Commonly, the words come slow and opaque. There is much stillness. At times the sort of dreamworld in which the experience takes place itself becomes murky and indistinct as my concentration wanes or is interrupted. If too much liberty is taken with respect to managing the experience - grasping at answers or prioritizing speed over quality - the space begins to recede.

Lesson learned. For now, at least.

So, below are some notes taken too late and too long after. 

Notes from the second session:

• A new part emerged: Judgement (mother of shame).
• Judgement wore an astronaut suit, Daft Punk-esque sci-fi silver helmet.
• Later a second new part emerged: Self-policing (sibling or brother or some other relative of shame). 
• Police part dressed like a NYC cop.
• First person to show up in these sessions is always fear (and the guard).
• This is illuminating since I often feel this is true for me in life in general.
• When shame appeared it said it was feeling a bit better and it enjoyed playing and exploring.
• Noteworthy because when overwhelmed with shame we often can't focus on anything but ourselves. 
• This signifies a shift.
• Judgement's self-proclaimed purpose was also protective and aimed at self-development and growth to surface areas for improvement.
• Shamed part said that when this is directed inward it becomes a sort of auto-immune attack and this can be damaging to the self.
• Shamed part voiced displeasure to the judgement part, indicating that there's a paucity of positive judgements or acknowledgements and a toxic fixation on the negative or bad. 
• Shame made a request to start adding these positive judgements and reducing or excluding the negative, abusive ones.
• Shame also confronted judgement about how it seems to take pleasure in some of the crueler judgements and wondered why this was.
• Judgement did not seem moved to speak.
• Surprised by how fast the hour went.

I Shall Be Released

 

I'd intended to write yesterday to celebrate my first month of being funemployed, but I got sidetracked. You wouldn't believe how busy life is even without a job! I don't mean in a fun way, either. I'm talking bureaucracy, closing bank accounts, updating permanent residency documents because your American passport expired and needed to be renewed, canceling contracts with cellphone providers to get a cheaper plan, booking travel for upcoming trips to Budapest and Prague, the list goes on. 

Then there are the things I do because I want to, not have to. Things like going to the gym, reading, maintaining a long-distance relationship, writing and meditating (which I'd like to write about today). Every day I'm amazed at how precious little time there is in a day. The fact that winter is coming only exacerbates this issue. Every day is getting darker. Constantly I need to fight the urge to be productive, to squeeze the most out of each passing day. Why? What's wrong with slowing down, resting, simply doing nothing? We as humans have gotten into the habit of opposing nature's cycles; instead of sleeping we stay out late drinking and dancing, in the summer we turn on our air conditioners and in the winter, the heat. Men take pills to boost our aging boners or stimulate growth for our thinning hair, while women inject their faces, breasts and butts full of silicone and other chemicals in an attempt to wage war with gravity and time. Why? Be proud of the those wrinkles, let those milkbags sag! 

Men, you fool-hearted bastards, let those bald heads and bloated beer-bellies be a testament to lives well-lived! Who cares if you can't get it up anymore? Find something more spiritually fulfilling than your sweaty, thrusty, grunty 5 minutes in heaven. Of course it makes sense why things are this way. We stare into mirrors every morning when we wake up and again before bed, we're marketed to relentlessly, made to be self-conscious of our bodies, social media has distorted our sense of normal with its algorithms and skin filters and completely manicured and unrealistic depictions of what real life is. 

Nearly the whole of society has been conditioned to consume. We don't feel good if we aren't eating, drinking or buying something. The things we buy promise us we'll be better versions of ourselves if we just have the latest technology, the best beauty products and skin-care regimens, and an exclusive limited-time set of high-quality and expensive accessories that just ooze status and wealth. Meanwhile, we walk around emotionally stunted and repressed, alienated from our own deepest feelings and needs, bereft of a sense of true meaning, almost totally void of real community and purpose, sitting in front of screens in big concrete boxes full of smaller boxes wondering why we feel so sad and alone. It doesn't have to be this way. 

We could all agree that this way sucks and collectively start writing a different story. That power is at our disposal, always. It starts with you.

Now, back to the promised topic. Meditation. 

I've carved out a daily hourlong meditation practice and I've been loving it. But today I did something different. There were a series of three videos (I'll link the first of them at the bottom) that Asia sent me to try out. The first video gives some context for the IFS (Internal Family Systems) framework and discusses what it might be like to look at our shamed parts using this modality. In a nutshell, IFS takes the approach that every individual has a family of different parts inside of them which comprise you as the individual; you have a shamed part, a confident part, a protective part, a managing part, an impatient part, a loving part, a people-pleasing part etc., and you're this sort of intricate dance between all these parts. I haven't read the book yet, and it's possible I'm misunderstanding, so don't take my word for it and look into IFS yourself.

The second video dives deeper into what working with those parts entails, leading up to the third video which is a guided meditation inviting the meditator to witness the shamed parts of ourselves that we normally protect by hiding away. So, I gave it a whirl. In the past the skeptical parts of me judged this type of meditation to be silly or even childish - that to participate in such a meditation was to participate in a kind of masturbatory magical thinking. This time was different. Now, perhaps more than ever before in my life, I'm open to these types of ideas and experiences. It's likely something became unblocked during my adventures with Community Building. In any event, this is what happened:

I sat down to start the meditation knowing I'd be pausing it in between at key junctures to give space to the parts that might need it. After a few minutes of breathing I felt my body relax enough to allow me to venture into the deeper recesses of my psyche. Suddenly I was below a night sky beside a campfire. The air was cool, though not cold, and the fire was warm and pleasant. In the silence the wood popped and crackled. I felt calm being there. The stars shimmered and shined above as an audience of my parts giving space and watching my movements from afar. A sense of otherness pervaded. The others were parts of me, but distinct from me, in the way my big toe is distinct from my elbow but they both belong to this body. So I sat there waiting for the shamed part to reveal itself. After some time, it did not come. Instead, I noticed a tall metal perimeter fence some feet away from me. A military officer (who was also me) stood guard. I acknowledged the guard and he asked me to identify myself. The guide for the meditation said this might happen. I paused the video and continued chatting to the guard.

"Hey, I'm you..but not you. I'm 37 years old and have positive intentions. I come from a place of love and understanding and just want to listen and talk to the part of me that's beyond this fence, if you'll let me."

I don't know who you are. I've never seen you before. No one informed me anyone was coming.

"True. You haven't ever seen me. I guess I am arriving unannounced. My apologies. I got the impression my presence was requested."

The guard looked suspicious of me.

"I have nothing to hide. You can call your superiors or the other guards - or really anyone who has any concerns for that matter - and I'd be happy to speak to them and offer assurances."

The guard still didn't budge.

"I'm really grateful for what you're doing here, honestly. I see how you're trying to protect the shamed part and I'm happy you care. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have or even talk through the fence to the shamed part if you're comfortable with that."

The guard made a quick call on his walkie talkie. Suddenly several other parts appeared. One was inky and dark and I could feel it in my stomach. It stank. It was fear. It did not like this. 

Why are you here? Who are you? How can we believe that what you're saying is true and you don't just want to do harm here. You could be a terrorist for all we know!

This part was very strong and most of the other parts didn't question or argue with this part. They seemed afraid of it, which was interesting because it wasn't physically menacing. Merely by being there though its presence seemed to be causing visceral reactions, in me too. I asked it to sit down with me and talk.

"I promise I am here to heal and regenerate. I have no interest in harming anything or anyone. I come only to understand. If at any point any of you feels an overwhelming need for me to leave, I will leave. Can you tell me what you need from me in order to feel safe and trust me?"

The conversation went on like this as I tried to keep things calm and ask for space. Eventually the shamed part of me quietly walked through the fence and came to sit at the circle around the fire. My eyes welled up with tears at this point and I felt pain in my body and sensed the fear part of me reacting strongly. The shamed part of me was younger, just a boy. His skin was scarred and burned, body twisted and maimed. He seemed to have suffered incredible damage, to have been brutally tortured. The fire cast cruel shadows across his lacerated face. His eyes were lifeless pieces of coal. 

I felt a deep relationship between him and the fear. Intuitively I knew they were related - perhaps father and child. 

The other parts took seats around the circle. Many of the parts were much smaller in stature than the fear. I knew them as confidence, happiness, peace, trust. We all sat in silence. I waited for the shamed part to speak but no words came. Soon I understood the shamed part was either too afraid or too wounded to speak. I asked the fear why it was reacting to the shamed part the way it was.

I'm afraid of this. I don't know what will happen. I just always try to protect. I didn't mean to cause any harm. Maybe I feel guilty that I've unintentionally caused this damage.

Others in the circle seemed moved to speak. Confidence confidently said that fear's voice is often too loud, he yells, and he scares the other parts. Happiness chimed in and said when fear talks he takes up most of the space and leaves little room for everyone else. Peace and trust echoed similar sentiments. Trust added that he trusts fear's intentions are good but that he needs to learn a different way to work with the group. As the conversation moved from part to part I noticed the size of the parts change slightly. Fear got a bit smaller and the other parts got a bit larger. I, or the caring part of me, tried checking-in to make sure everyone was feeling safe. There was no objection. But still, the shamed part hadn't spoken a word. When I looked to the shamed part I sensed he wanted to talk but something was stopping him. Instead he sent me some early childhood images of feeling shamed, unwanted, not good enough, cheated on, betrayed, lied to, tricked, stupid, hurt, alone. My eyes were wet again.

"Thanks for sharing those images. I remember them. You've been holding these for a long time. What is it that you want?"

Shame didn't reply. I pressed play on the video. The guide indicated that some parts might need to be asked to leave temporarily, or to hang out in a waiting room in order to make space for the shamed part. 

Bingo.

Speaking to the fear I asked, "would you be willing to take a walk with the guard for a little while? I think it might give some space to the shamed part so he could speak to the group. I promise you will be updated on whatever is said upon your return, and if the group is willing you could even rejoin the circle."

Fear agreed in an instant. There was absolutely no protest. It struck the group as such a clear show of love and respect to the shamed part that everyone was deeply moved. We could sense the sadness in the fear as he got up to walk away but it was eclipsed by the radiant paternal kind of love for the shamed part. I think this gesture caused something to shift in the shamed part. After some minutes of silence, he spoke.

I feel so exhausted...I've been carrying this burden so long.

The group gave space and asked no questions. The weight of his burden was visible.

I feel so much pain. I have no one to lean on. I feel unbearably alone.

The guide in the video said it could take a while and to let the part continue speaking as much as it would like. The guide encouraged me to ask it if there is anything else it wanted to share. So I did.

"Is there anything else?"

Yeah. A part of me feels so foolish. How did I think I could do this alone?

This was fascinating. I hadn't considered that a part could have its own parts. Of course it makes sense, it's fractal. As above so below. But this complicates things. If my parts are made of parts do I have to climb inside that part too, opening it up like a series of nested Russian dolls?

Another part of me feels shame. The ignorance. Arrogance. Was I too proud to ask for help? Why did I believe the things I let myself believe?

Shame under shame. The video didn't mention anything about parts of parts so I was a bit lost in the water here. But I stayed with it, asking if there was anything else. 

I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I want to let this pain go.

Then silence. For a long while. I pressed play on the video. The guide recommended asking the part what it wanted. It had already told me. But as the guide spoke, something else resonated with the part. Many options were proposed; to be freed, to be absorbed into some other part of the body and a few others, but the one that spoke the loudest was simply to play. To be free to not carry this weight. 

"How would you want to be released?"

I want to feel pleasure. I want to know what it is to not feel this pain. I want release.

This is weird, so stay with me, but on some level it communicated to me that it wanted to migrate to my balls and be released in a glorious orgasmic spurt of semen. I could feel blood rushing to the region in quick anticipation. I scanned the video to see if there was any mention of this. There was not. But I knew I had to oblige. I asked it what it wanted. Surely this wasn't too much to ask from a part that's endured lifelong suffering? So I marched to the bathroom and meditated while masturbating, transforming the trauma to delightful gratification. Talk about masturbatory magical thinking! After some time his wish was granted and he evacuated my body in convulsive sprays of white liquid light.

I shall be released.

I returned to my seat back in the living room and resumed the video. The guide asked to check in with the part and ask it how it felt now. So I did. When I found myself back at the campfire under the starlit sky, I was immediately surprised by how the scars all over his body seemed to be lighter, more faded. The body was less contorted, less mutilated. 

I feel better than I did before. But I don't know that everything is out yet. 

He communicated an image of us speaking more. The guide said this might happen and he recommended establishing a schedule for checking in each day over the next three weeks to help the part heal. We came to the agreement that during my hourlong meditations he could take any amount of time he'd like during the next 21 days. We convened the circle, fear and the guard returning. It was clear that fear saw the change in the shamed part and felt relieved. We sat in silence for a few minutes to let everyone get settled.

"I want to thank everyone for being present today, for giving space, for trusting, for being willing to listen, open and move toward healing and integration. I know for the protective parts this was stressful. I'm truly grateful for your service and desire to keep us safe. Fear, you missed a lot but you can see the change. It's clear the both of you are deeply entwined and I wonder if on future talks over the next three weeks you'd like to be present or informed after. Shame, if this is okay with you, of course." 

Shame seemed to agree, but I made it clear that shame would need to consent. Consent now would not guarantee consent later. The energy around the campfire seemed lighter and more balanced. I pressed play to conclude the video. The guide recommended trying to re-experience the inciting event from earlier in the meditation to see how it felt to expose the parts to the trigger. When I did so I was happy to find more distance between the shamed part and the trigger. It was much less reactive. 

Progress!

I look forward to see what adventures await me in the coming days and I will keep you updated of any and all insights.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SPfiTld_Js

Week One - A Whole New World

 

This concludes my first week as an unemployed good-for-nothing drifter. Much has changed since I last wrote:

• My position at work has been dissolved
• I've returned to the gym
• I have reclaimed a daily meditation practice
• I'm reading more
• I've started a gratitude journal
• Asia and I have signed up to become facilitators in Community Building
• My interest in Buddhism has been rekindled
• My penis has grown 7"
• I saved a bunch of money by switching to Geico
• I've gotten my teeth cleaned for the first time in nearly 6 years

I won't talk about all of these things, only the important ones. Seven extra inches. It's absolutely changed my life! Now when I stand at the urinal in public restrooms I don't have to use the kids' urinal anymore. I can really rock out the way I've always dreamed.

Losing your job is a fascinating experience. It teaches you about fear, uncertainty, freedom, and money in a way only being jobless can. In my case the termination wasn't a surprise. I'd been expecting it for many months now. It started when my entire team had either quit or been fired. Finding myself orphaned - for the second time at the company - was not what we call in the business a good omen. Luckily, as you may know from reading my previous posts, back in April I'd untethered myself from my employer in terms of my residence permit. Now I am in no danger of being deported. And while I am under no threat of destitution or homelessness, I do look like I may be both, or either. My straggly beard is still hanging off my face, and I'm still considerably underweight as a result of the chronic gastritis that's been plaguing me for nearly a year now. On the bright side, my return to the gym has helped me gain a kilo over the past two weeks.

I'm still in the honeymoon phase of my unemployment, so it isn't lost on me that things could take a sudden and unexpected turn for the worse. I may, for instance, succumb to pangs of panic and find myself in the throes of great worry, having been bereft of both purpose and the capacity for economic productivity. Meditation, daily physical exertion, reading, and some artistic outlets have been put in place to keep me on the tracks. Earlier I was speaking to Asia expressing how establishing these routines are very important for me during this uncertain time. They are protective mechanisms; preventative, even. While beneficial, they do introduce a sort of complication in terms of how they impact our long-distance relationship. It means that for now a greater burden is placed onto Asia. She must take the initiative to come to me: since any departure from Berlin at this point runs the risk of jeopardizing my routine at this critical juncture. I'm aware of this and want to do what I can to be flexible and supportive, but I know myself. If I take away the guardrails I've put up, I can easily spiral out. In order for me to show up for our relationship I need to show up for myself and ensure I'm taking proper care. I'm no use to anyone if I'm destabilized, erratic, anxious and out of touch with my needs and feelings.

But since I am in this honeymoon phase, I can enjoy the added leisure time spent reading, playing guitar, meditating. It definitely feels more natural than working for a company 8hrs a day. I can't imagine, and hope I don't eventually have to, return to that world. It's dehumanizing. Right now I'm staring out at an all new open road. For the first time in my adult life my future seems wide open. There's no guidebook or plan for how to proceed when you're 37-years-old and find yourself unplugged. Some things are clear. It's clear I want to get involved in regenerative practices. I want to help people and places in the face of all the cruelty, dehumanization and ecological destruction. We know we'll be doing inner work as we move along the path in Community Building. We'll be meeting interesting people with much to show us and even more to learn. We'll spend time on farms and eco-villages helping learn a thing or two before setting out to do it on our own. We might even find a community that feels like home and join them. A whole new world is possible. 

A better, more humane, more interconnected, vibrant, playful, healing, mystical and kind world.