A friend messaged me last night as I was stepping out for dinner. He'd broken up with his girlfriend and wanted to know if I was free to go for a walk. I told him I was on my way to grab a bite, that if he hadn't eaten he could join me or I could meet him once I finished. The restaurant was just across the street from my apartment so it was an easy place to meet. He arrived about 15 minutes after I arrived and I hadn't yet ordered. I got the schnitzel and he ordered tofu. We talked about what had happened and he laid out the gist of things. It's difficult to get a true picture of the unraveling of a relationship from just one party, particularly when the breakup is fresh. Too many emotions color the facts. For the person relaying them especially. Although he seemed okay enough to speak about it, his thoughts were circular and I found it tricky to figure out what to say to him. I didn't know enough about their relationship. Only that he had been unhappy and that they were struggling.
Even when you free yourself from a challenging relationship, the pain lingers on. It will always take some time to process things and gain a sense of closure. A thing which came up again and again was the topic of mental health. While he cannot confirm it, he suspects his partner may have had BPD (borderline personality disorder). It's characterized by several symptoms, but perhaps the most common is extreme emotional dysregulation where a person is subject to intense and unpredictable emotional reactions which can rapidly shift. Other symptoms include intense anger, impulsiveness and recklessness, distorted sense of identity and chaotic interpersonal relationships. His stories reminded me of a previous relationship of mine. While I can't say for sure whether my partner had BPD, I did find myself getting deja vu as he described some of the interactions which led him to end his relationship.
Relationships are hard, even under the best circumstances. People are complex, and they have complex needs. It's a wonder we're able to have lasting relationships at all. Consider how little most of us know about ourselves. How often do you find yourself unsure of your wants and needs? How frequently do you do something without knowing why? Many of us can summon up easy proofs of self-knowledge such as our favorite color or season, genre of music or food, but what of deeper insights? Can you list your top four greatest fears, three deeply held values that you no longer hold, two beliefs which don't seem to line up with the rest of your worldview, the person or event that shaped you the most? The only reason I can tell you what I had for breakfast a week ago is because I have the same thing for breakfast every day. Our memories are imprecise and fallible. Our feelings have in them the intensity of fire; they are genuine forces of nature. From these fuzzy memories and ferocious feelings we craft intricate narratives about our lives and the world we live in, and we do it with such conviction. We seem to forget or ignore the house of cards they're built upon. If all of this is true, when we encounter another soul with their own whirlwind mind and tectonic heart, we are tacitly agreeing to turbulence, to braving each other's storm. Whatever problem you have, it's now shared. Whatever friction you feel, your partner will, too. Whatever mouthfuls of madness you can muster, you must anticipate your lover will mount the same. Worst of all, they may not be able to tell you why. Some echo of past trauma, forgotten but still felt, reverberating through countless generations crying out to be healed. My father was a drunk. His mother was abusive. Her mother was abused. You can trace trauma back through your family tree and watch it ripple out in all directions. We spend our lives trying to manage and make sense of our feelings and when we pair up with someone else, we've signed up to not only to be present while they try and do the same, but to offer help the best we can.
That's the beauty of relationships. They provide the necessary level of intimacy and vulnerability required to make careful observations, to learn about yourself and grow. Doing so is never easy and always painful. But if you can manage to do it well, these interactions are among the most fruitful life has to offer. We should seek them out, even though they are hard. Humans are social creatures. Left to our own, we wallow and wilt when solitary. Our minds become smooth and rigid and we lose exposure to new thoughts and ideas. Our sense of empathy begins to atrophy. Wrinkled and withered by disconnection and alienation, our hearts grow hard, cold. This isn't the purpose of a human. Humans in harmony are good stewards, caretakers of themselves and those around them, of plants and animals too. They are generous and kind, quick to laughter instead of anger, trusting instead of suspicious, cooperative not competitive. If we are to survive as a species, we need to channel these qualities and work toward deepening and enhancing them. We must practicing being of service.
A failure to do so spells disaster. Look around at the world we're living in and realize that through each our our collective thoughts and decisions we actively create that world.
"Every thought felt as true
Or allowed to be accepted as true by your conscious mind
Takes roots in your subconscious
Blossoms sooner or later into an act
And bears its own fruit
Good thoughts bring forth good fruit
Bullshit thoughts rot your meat
Think right, and you can fly
The kingdom of heaven is within
Free your mind, and your ass will follow"
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