Til Kingdom Cum

I was accused, wrongfully so, of being too vile on my blog. The charges were brought up against me by a friend who alleges I write for the "sole" purpose of being offensive. I'm shocked, appalled. Allow me to provide some background information on my accuser, to properly portray the hilarity of his claim. He routinely makes scathing, sharp, demoralizing remarks. He once went on a five-minute, graphically explicit soliloquy describing how he'd love to have me hogtied and blindfolded, bent over and fucked in my ass and mouth by midgets while a group of men surrounded me, masturbating, as he, my friend, attached a unicorn dildo to my head, which the men would then ride like ponies til kingdom come. Whenever I hear the words vile and offensive, I think of him. You can imagine my surprise then, when he told me how he felt about my blog. Sure, I'm often crass, and lewd, raunchy even, but to accuse me of writing for the sole purpose of being offensive is beyond hypocritical - it's preposterous. I'll agree, sometimes I use vulgarity as a crutch, because it's easy to lean on, but I don't write so that I can offend people.

I write so that someone might laugh, or squirm at one of my less than decorous descriptions. I write to distract myself; from troubles; stress; time. It's a way of documenting the happenings of my life, to give me something to look back on. Often, I write to have fun and say the things that might otherwise go unsaid. In my daily life I am a taciturn and shy speaker, usually choosing to listen rather than contribute. My friend, the accuser, is a domineering pontificator, borderline intolerable when drunk, frenetic and mercurial even when sober.

When I told him "I learned it from watching you," he told me, unsurprisingly, that it's different when he does it. Isn't it funny how that is? He said it's because he "makes sure the reader is appalled, guilty, in on it." I hold that they're already in on it if they're still reading. I've had ample time to offend my handful of readers. I don't write for readership, I write, mainly, for me. I think.

There is a small, small grain of truth to what he says, however. I should strive to intersperse my ramblings with a bit more substance, to rely less on crude toilet humor. It's good to be provocative. Let's try:

Dicks sporting goods. I just passed one on the highway.

What if Wendys and Dicks had a merger? Or Johnson & Johnson? Virgin?

Siemens.