Have you ever wanted to go to sleep, but not badly enough to actually do it? Instead, you just lie in bed and distract yourself from sleep by tending to trivialities; browsing the internet, watching YouTube videos, commenting on Facebook posts, all without ever really understanding why? It's bizarre. I realize I should go to sleep, and I sort of want to, but can't. There are things I find myself doing, none of which matter or need to be done at this moment yet, despite this, lazily, I continue tending to them. I don't even want to write right now, but here I am.
There's a point that can be crossed, once sufficiently fatigued, where one can become a fixed contradiction; one that never succeeds at true conflict, due to surplus apathy and a listless indifference. Instead I maintain a kind of sustained, anxious serenity.
I can't shake it. As much as I want to, I don't care to. I'm like a shitty yin yang, an interdependence of opposites paralyzed by balance.
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