Leprechaun in the Cochlea

Magically Pernicious

Somehow I've developed a peculiar ailment afflicting my left ear. I noticed it this morning after I'd arrived at work, when I sat down in the office, beset with silence. There emerged a rapid tapping, a kind of trembling against the drum of my ear. It sounded as though an excited hamster with an arrhythmia had nestled itself deep inside my inner ear. It flutters and then stops, appearing and reappearing randomly, lasting for varying durations. My eardrum feels like the cap of a Snapple bottle being quickly and compulsively clicked. Clearly I must have a tumor in my ear. And right before Burning Man of all times. I'm hopeful it's just a muscle spasm, something innocuous like a twitching eyebrow, and not an ear infection.

I've been drinking plenty of fluids, getting daily exercise and eating right. Except for this past Saturday. The scones! It had to have been a bad batch of Irish scones. I was dealt a deadly dose of the bad luck of the Irish. Or even worse; my ear might be the set of a new Leprechaun movie; Leprechaun in the Cochlea. Holy shit. I didn't know there was a sequel to Leprechaun in the Hood: Leprechaun Back 2 tha Hood. Brilliant. I remember watching the first one in the downstairs apartment (before he inherited the basement beside it) of a friend's house in New York. We were all in high school and got completely drunk and stoned and laughed uproariously at the absurdity of the film. A truly terrible piece of cinema...but entertaining nonetheless.

I wonder what would happen if Lucky the Leprechaun lost it one day, sick and tired of all those pugnacious children always after his lucky charms, and suddenly transformed into the leprechaun from the films, what he might do to the children. Make marshmallows out of their ball sputum maybe? Feed them pots of gold, causing rainbows to burst from their bellies, burning and boiling their greedy guts? Maybe rub poison four-leaf-clovers on their skin, causing manifold welts and carbuncles made more monstrous by magic. They're magically pernicious!

Perhaps that's where he's hidden his lucky charms; inside my cochlea. Sounds like, cocklier.