A Wretch Like Me

Yesterday after work I was wrought with a desire for destruction. There was but one commandment that was mine:

Make mayhem. 

To the pure and good, my nom de guerre:

Non servium. 

It is fascinating how willingly we redirect our anger and frustrations. The seething darkness radiating outward from within us, like a black sun. At its head, a crown of leaping shadows like flames. 

I wanted to corrupt souls. To bring ruin to symmetry; to calmly choke it out and birth chaos. I was the snake in the garden of Eden. I wanted to share my misery with the world and debase it. Hissing and slithering sinuously in slow spirals, wrapping myself down the trunk of the tree like a barber's pole, I wished to entrance the innocent, tempting them to eat of its fruit. To lift my anus into the air and bestow the berries of dingle, the true forbidden fruit.

I wanted to be the devil on someone's shoulder. 

But today I am healed; sinner turned saint. Purified and restored by the Lord's healing waters. Did you know you can pay extra for them to pump it through the shower-head? I even brushed my teeth with some. Then, I drank heavily of the blood of Christ, and I rehydrated with the remaining tap-holy-water I had left over. It's a Christmas miracle how much more pious I feel. Though that might be from all the Apple pie I've been made to eat. Like a fat cherub smiling, I sit perched on my own shoulder, a master contortionist.

When you think about it, angels and devils really share the same voice. The difference, that angels are the voice of conscience before, and the devils, after. Demons haunt; angels guide. 

Now I feel it is my duty - as the good angel - to prevent tragedy and misfortune, to thwart it at every turn. So I save you when I catch the drooping head of the homeless man sleeping beside you on the bus, about to fall, drooling, with hair full of pestilence, onto your shoulder - my shoulder. I save you whoever gambles on a fart while wearing white pants. A lost bet from which there is no turning back. 

I save you, premature ejaculation; I'm coming.