I'd intended to write yesterday to celebrate my first month of being funemployed, but I got sidetracked. You wouldn't believe how busy life is even without a job! I don't mean in a fun way, either. I'm talking bureaucracy, closing bank accounts, updating permanent residency documents because your American passport expired and needed to be renewed, canceling contracts with cellphone providers to get a cheaper plan, booking travel for upcoming trips to Budapest and Prague, the list goes on.
Then there are the things I do because I want to, not have to. Things like going to the gym, reading, maintaining a long-distance relationship, writing and meditating (which I'd like to write about today). Every day I'm amazed at how precious little time there is in a day. The fact that winter is coming only exacerbates this issue. Every day is getting darker. Constantly I need to fight the urge to be productive, to squeeze the most out of each passing day. Why? What's wrong with slowing down, resting, simply doing nothing? We as humans have gotten into the habit of opposing nature's cycles; instead of sleeping we stay out late drinking and dancing, in the summer we turn on our air conditioners and in the winter, the heat. Men take pills to boost our aging boners or stimulate growth for our thinning hair, while women inject their faces, breasts and butts full of silicone and other chemicals in an attempt to wage war with gravity and time. Why? Be proud of the those wrinkles, let those milkbags sag!
Men, you fool-hearted bastards, let those bald heads and bloated beer-bellies be a testament to lives well-lived! Who cares if you can't get it up anymore? Find something more spiritually fulfilling than your sweaty, thrusty, grunty 5 minutes in heaven. Of course it makes sense why things are this way. We stare into mirrors every morning when we wake up and again before bed, we're marketed to relentlessly, made to be self-conscious of our bodies, social media has distorted our sense of normal with its algorithms and skin filters and completely manicured and unrealistic depictions of what real life is.
Nearly the whole of society has been conditioned to consume. We don't feel good if we aren't eating, drinking or buying something. The things we buy promise us we'll be better versions of ourselves if we just have the latest technology, the best beauty products and skin-care regimens, and an exclusive limited-time set of high-quality and expensive accessories that just ooze status and wealth. Meanwhile, we walk around emotionally stunted and repressed, alienated from our own deepest feelings and needs, bereft of a sense of true meaning, almost totally void of real community and purpose, sitting in front of screens in big concrete boxes full of smaller boxes wondering why we feel so sad and alone. It doesn't have to be this way.
We could all agree that this way sucks and collectively start writing a different story. That power is at our disposal, always. It starts with you.
Now, back to the promised topic. Meditation.
I've carved out a daily hourlong meditation practice and I've been loving it. But today I did something different. There were a series of three videos (I'll link the first of them at the bottom) that Asia sent me to try out. The first video gives some context for the IFS (Internal Family Systems) framework and discusses what it might be like to look at our shamed parts using this modality. In a nutshell, IFS takes the approach that every individual has a family of different parts inside of them which comprise you as the individual; you have a shamed part, a confident part, a protective part, a managing part, an impatient part, a loving part, a people-pleasing part etc., and you're this sort of intricate dance between all these parts. I haven't read the book yet, and it's possible I'm misunderstanding, so don't take my word for it and look into IFS yourself.
The second video dives deeper into what working with those parts entails, leading up to the third video which is a guided meditation inviting the meditator to witness the shamed parts of ourselves that we normally protect by hiding away. So, I gave it a whirl. In the past the skeptical parts of me judged this type of meditation to be silly or even childish - that to participate in such a meditation was to participate in a kind of masturbatory magical thinking. This time was different. Now, perhaps more than ever before in my life, I'm open to these types of ideas and experiences. It's likely something became unblocked during my adventures with Community Building. In any event, this is what happened:
I sat down to start the meditation knowing I'd be pausing it in between at key junctures to give space to the parts that might need it. After a few minutes of breathing I felt my body relax enough to allow me to venture into the deeper recesses of my psyche. Suddenly I was below a night sky beside a campfire. The air was cool, though not cold, and the fire was warm and pleasant. In the silence the wood popped and crackled. I felt calm being there. The stars shimmered and shined above as an audience of my parts giving space and watching my movements from afar. A sense of otherness pervaded. The others were parts of me, but distinct from me, in the way my big toe is distinct from my elbow but they both belong to this body. So I sat there waiting for the shamed part to reveal itself. After some time, it did not come. Instead, I noticed a tall metal perimeter fence some feet away from me. A military officer (who was also me) stood guard. I acknowledged the guard and he asked me to identify myself. The guide for the meditation said this might happen. I paused the video and continued chatting to the guard.
"Hey, I'm you..but not you. I'm 37 years old and have positive intentions. I come from a place of love and understanding and just want to listen and talk to the part of me that's beyond this fence, if you'll let me."
I don't know who you are. I've never seen you before. No one informed me anyone was coming.
"True. You haven't ever seen me. I guess I am arriving unannounced. My apologies. I got the impression my presence was requested."
The guard looked suspicious of me.
"I have nothing to hide. You can call your superiors or the other guards - or really anyone who has any concerns for that matter - and I'd be happy to speak to them and offer assurances."
The guard still didn't budge.
"I'm really grateful for what you're doing here, honestly. I see how you're trying to protect the shamed part and I'm happy you care. I'm happy to answer any questions you may have or even talk through the fence to the shamed part if you're comfortable with that."
The guard made a quick call on his walkie talkie. Suddenly several other parts appeared. One was inky and dark and I could feel it in my stomach. It stank. It was fear. It did not like this.
Why are you here? Who are you? How can we believe that what you're saying is true and you don't just want to do harm here. You could be a terrorist for all we know!
This part was very strong and most of the other parts didn't question or argue with this part. They seemed afraid of it, which was interesting because it wasn't physically menacing. Merely by being there though its presence seemed to be causing visceral reactions, in me too. I asked it to sit down with me and talk.
"I promise I am here to heal and regenerate. I have no interest in harming anything or anyone. I come only to understand. If at any point any of you feels an overwhelming need for me to leave, I will leave. Can you tell me what you need from me in order to feel safe and trust me?"
The conversation went on like this as I tried to keep things calm and ask for space. Eventually the shamed part of me quietly walked through the fence and came to sit at the circle around the fire. My eyes welled up with tears at this point and I felt pain in my body and sensed the fear part of me reacting strongly. The shamed part of me was younger, just a boy. His skin was scarred and burned, body twisted and maimed. He seemed to have suffered incredible damage, to have been brutally tortured. The fire cast cruel shadows across his lacerated face. His eyes were lifeless pieces of coal.
I felt a deep relationship between him and the fear. Intuitively I knew they were related - perhaps father and child.
The other parts took seats around the circle. Many of the parts were much smaller in stature than the fear. I knew them as confidence, happiness, peace, trust. We all sat in silence. I waited for the shamed part to speak but no words came. Soon I understood the shamed part was either too afraid or too wounded to speak. I asked the fear why it was reacting to the shamed part the way it was.
I'm afraid of this. I don't know what will happen. I just always try to protect. I didn't mean to cause any harm. Maybe I feel guilty that I've unintentionally caused this damage.
Others in the circle seemed moved to speak. Confidence confidently said that fear's voice is often too loud, he yells, and he scares the other parts. Happiness chimed in and said when fear talks he takes up most of the space and leaves little room for everyone else. Peace and trust echoed similar sentiments. Trust added that he trusts fear's intentions are good but that he needs to learn a different way to work with the group. As the conversation moved from part to part I noticed the size of the parts change slightly. Fear got a bit smaller and the other parts got a bit larger. I, or the caring part of me, tried checking-in to make sure everyone was feeling safe. There was no objection. But still, the shamed part hadn't spoken a word. When I looked to the shamed part I sensed he wanted to talk but something was stopping him. Instead he sent me some early childhood images of feeling shamed, unwanted, not good enough, cheated on, betrayed, lied to, tricked, stupid, hurt, alone. My eyes were wet again.
"Thanks for sharing those images. I remember them. You've been holding these for a long time. What is it that you want?"
Shame didn't reply. I pressed play on the video. The guide indicated that some parts might need to be asked to leave temporarily, or to hang out in a waiting room in order to make space for the shamed part.
Bingo.
Speaking to the fear I asked, "would you be willing to take a walk with the guard for a little while? I think it might give some space to the shamed part so he could speak to the group. I promise you will be updated on whatever is said upon your return, and if the group is willing you could even rejoin the circle."
Fear agreed in an instant. There was absolutely no protest. It struck the group as such a clear show of love and respect to the shamed part that everyone was deeply moved. We could sense the sadness in the fear as he got up to walk away but it was eclipsed by the radiant paternal kind of love for the shamed part. I think this gesture caused something to shift in the shamed part. After some minutes of silence, he spoke.
I feel so exhausted...I've been carrying this burden so long.
The group gave space and asked no questions. The weight of his burden was visible.
I feel so much pain. I have no one to lean on. I feel unbearably alone.
The guide in the video said it could take a while and to let the part continue speaking as much as it would like. The guide encouraged me to ask it if there is anything else it wanted to share. So I did.
"Is there anything else?"
Yeah. A part of me feels so foolish. How did I think I could do this alone?
This was fascinating. I hadn't considered that a part could have its own parts. Of course it makes sense, it's fractal. As above so below. But this complicates things. If my parts are made of parts do I have to climb inside that part too, opening it up like a series of nested Russian dolls?
Another part of me feels shame. The ignorance. Arrogance. Was I too proud to ask for help? Why did I believe the things I let myself believe?
Shame under shame. The video didn't mention anything about parts of parts so I was a bit lost in the water here. But I stayed with it, asking if there was anything else.
I don't want to feel like this. I want to be happy. I want to let this pain go.
Then silence. For a long while. I pressed play on the video. The guide recommended asking the part what it wanted. It had already told me. But as the guide spoke, something else resonated with the part. Many options were proposed; to be freed, to be absorbed into some other part of the body and a few others, but the one that spoke the loudest was simply to play. To be free to not carry this weight.
"How would you want to be released?"
I want to feel pleasure. I want to know what it is to not feel this pain. I want release.
This is weird, so stay with me, but on some level it communicated to me that it wanted to migrate to my balls and be released in a glorious orgasmic spurt of semen. I could feel blood rushing to the region in quick anticipation. I scanned the video to see if there was any mention of this. There was not. But I knew I had to oblige. I asked it what it wanted. Surely this wasn't too much to ask from a part that's endured lifelong suffering? So I marched to the bathroom and meditated while masturbating, transforming the trauma to delightful gratification. Talk about masturbatory magical thinking! After some time his wish was granted and he evacuated my body in convulsive sprays of white liquid light.
I shall be released.
I returned to my seat back in the living room and resumed the video. The guide asked to check in with the part and ask it how it felt now. So I did. When I found myself back at the campfire under the starlit sky, I was immediately surprised by how the scars all over his body seemed to be lighter, more faded. The body was less contorted, less mutilated.
I feel better than I did before. But I don't know that everything is out yet.
He communicated an image of us speaking more. The guide said this might happen and he recommended establishing a schedule for checking in each day over the next three weeks to help the part heal. We came to the agreement that during my hourlong meditations he could take any amount of time he'd like during the next 21 days. We convened the circle, fear and the guard returning. It was clear that fear saw the change in the shamed part and felt relieved. We sat in silence for a few minutes to let everyone get settled.
"I want to thank everyone for being present today, for giving space, for trusting, for being willing to listen, open and move toward healing and integration. I know for the protective parts this was stressful. I'm truly grateful for your service and desire to keep us safe. Fear, you missed a lot but you can see the change. It's clear the both of you are deeply entwined and I wonder if on future talks over the next three weeks you'd like to be present or informed after. Shame, if this is okay with you, of course."
Shame seemed to agree, but I made it clear that shame would need to consent. Consent now would not guarantee consent later. The energy around the campfire seemed lighter and more balanced. I pressed play to conclude the video. The guide recommended trying to re-experience the inciting event from earlier in the meditation to see how it felt to expose the parts to the trigger. When I did so I was happy to find more distance between the shamed part and the trigger. It was much less reactive.
Progress!
I look forward to see what adventures await me in the coming days and I will keep you updated of any and all insights.
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