I Like Turtles

Again I'm discouraged; not that I was ever couraged, though. I've been reading a lot of Capote lately and it's made me realize how much I suck. He writes in ribbons, pulls off beautiful streaming sentences seamlessly. It's insulting, really; like showering in a locker room and catching an accidental glimpse of a horse cock, one so large it's wrapped around itself in circles as though it were a fire hose, and then looking down at your own paltry prick, your one measly ball, hanging from your crotch like a little shriveled turtle head turning green with envy, you wonder why god made you this way. That's what it feels like. His competency is crushing. As a reader I love it, but as one who enjoys writing, his mastery is offensive. Like all great writers, he makes it seem so easy, maddeningly effortless. I'm seldom able to make anything seem easy, not even easy women.

We must all secretly, or sometimes openly, resent, even hate, those we admire. Because to admire is to envy. It is to acknowledge one possesses a thing you lack; a sort of self admission of inferiority. All writers then, must equally love and loathe Joyce, Nabokov, Chekov. Jerkov.

So you know what? Fuck Capote.

Speaking of which, my sexuality was questioned by a homosexual colleague of mine today. That's right, can you believe it? He'd used the word rapier, a brilliant word, and I told him so. In fact, I'd recently sent it to a girl when quoting C.S. Lewis, and I told him that, also. "I remember the first time I realized I was gay," he said. "This must be an amazing time for you." He was joking of course, at least I hope so, given the only penis that excites me is my own, but it reminded me of a particularly nonsense taboo in our society; one that tries to assert that any talk of poetry or beauty by a man, is somehow gay. Eating salad suffers this stigma too - though eating salad can actually be very, very gay, depending on the type of salad. What about poetry though, is inherently unmanly? And why should beauty be relegated to the realm of femininity; women shouldn't get to have a monopoly on beauty; that's sexist.

I have a dream: I believe in a world where a man can talk about beauty openly, without fear of reprisal; where men can recite poems to one another; where they can eat salads in peace; where two men could go to a nude hot springs together without it being weird. Ok, maybe I am gay.

Then, can I fuck Capote?