FUNgivores

I know I'm way behind. I owe you a post about the rest of our trip to Catalonia, but today you will get the ramblings of another kind of trip. On Saturday Asia and I decided we would sample some home grown mushrooms. We were to try our luck with an entirely different diet, one far more biologically ecological - by rejecting the animal kingdom and plant kingdom alike, we would become fungivores. Emphasis on the fun. Naturally, as we talked this over while returning from a nearby bike shop where I was told it would cost me 150€ to install rear brakes, tighten my spokes, and attach a freewheel cog, I addressed the situation with mild apprehension. Asia and I had never taken psychedelics together; well, short of lots of pot gummies in Barcelona and the occasional joint, bong, or CBD oil in Poland. Mushrooms was the big leagues. Anyone who's ever done mushrooms can tell you this. There's no hiding from your demons while silly psilocybin mucks around in your mind. Thoughts and feelings can quickly become frightening fun house mirrors full of distorted proportions and tall terrors. Now, to be frank, I am not an inexperienced consumer of fungus. All of you know that. My middle name is fungus.

However.

Because I am not new to the mind-bendingly magical world of mind-altering substances, I know how strange things can become. Shit can go from zero to sixty real fast. On perhaps more than one occasion I have damaged a relationship due to careless use of hallucinogens - notably my last one. This time I was to take the journey more seriously. Immediately deeper contemplation produced a sense of swelling dread and foreboding. Shadows inside my skull swirled. Anxiety had me humming like a bell.

"What are you worried about, my love?" Asia asked me as we walked towards my apartment.

"Everything."

"I don't think you need to be," she said, taking my hand.

"Maybe you're right. What better hands could I be in? You have experience working with people who are mentally ill; this should be a walk in the park," I said.

"Exactly!"

"But what if I get weird?"

"Weird how?" she asked.

"Like, I dunno, quiet and overwhelmed. What if I want to be alone?"

"That's fine."

...

"And anyway, the experience is only temporary," she added.

"True. Let's see how I feel."

So we went home and packed the necessary items: water, snacks, games, a blanket, sunscreen, bluetooth speaker and most importantly, the mushies. At Asia's request, we didn't take the amount I initially suggested, which was about half a gram each. Given we don't know the potency, she reasoned, it might be better to start with less and increase the dose if needed. Right. So we each munched on a mushroom and I placed the rest inside a small bag in my pocket. Off we went. It didn't take long for things to start transitioning. As we lay in the grass at Hasenheide Park, a group of about eight or ten girls stood in a circle humming harmonies. Hippies. This was a good place to be. They were hugging and eating watermelon. All was right.

"How do you feel?" Asia asked.

"Hmm," I said, taking inventory of my senses, "a bit shroomy." My head felt light, but also heavy. So did my limbs. Moving them around produced a very pleasant sensation. Music was softer, fuller. The thin layer of sweat on my skin took on new dimensionality. Asia seemed to be feeling these feelings too.

"I think I have to pee," she added.

"You just pissed before we left, no?"

"Yeah, but I drank a lot of mate."

"You want to go back to my place and use the bathroom? I can give you the key if you want," I said.

"Nah, maybe I'll go right there in that bush," Asia said, pointing. When I followed her finger to see which bush she was referencing, I found a small shrub beside a park bench where a seedy looking drug addict sat. Just beyond the bench, on the other side of the bush, were some small children picnicking with their families. It looked like a birthday party. There were balloons. I imagined Asia crouched down, a demented, mirthful smile on her face as yellow piss spritzed out of her like an overturned lawn sprinkler for the whole family to see. Maybe the guy on the bench would try to drink it.

"That bush?"

"Yeah."

"Next to the sketchy guy on the bench?"

"Yeah."

"Near the children celebrating their 4th birthdays?"

Yeah."

"There's a bathroom at the beer garden my love, it's only a few minutes away."

"Okay," she said.

"Let's walk."

We packed up our things. As soon as I stood up I could feel the world was a little off balance. I thought I had accidentally stepped foot into a swamp, but when I looked down at my feet I realised they were sweating profusely and soggying up my socks. It was hot out. The hottest day of the year so far. The air cooled us a little as we walked. After a brief stroll through a blooming rose garden, we arrived at the bathroom and relieved ourselves. I waited for Asia and the music playing through the portable speaker sounded more seductive. My muscles moved with the rhythm. The sonic texture of the melody became more liquid, wetter, slipperier. She caught me dancing when she returned. We danced together for a minute and then wandered through the park to an open field. It was raised on either side, creating the feeling of being in a kind of bowl. We set down the blanket and ate some guacamole and chips as waves of psychedelia washed over us. The trees danced a slow dance with the wind. Asia and I got up and danced to The Dire Straits "So Far Away."

"This song is so good!" she said.

It was. But when I looked around I noticed we were catching the attention of those around us. People who had no music of their own. I felt a feeling of resentment from them. Because they weren't feeling free, they didn't want us feeling free either. Maybe they were people who hated music. I could sense their resentment turning into contempt. Then I felt the bag of mushrooms in my pocket dancing, too. I turned to Asia who, while I was distracted, bent town and picked up a wooden paddle which she had transformed into a ukulele. She was dancing, playing lead guitar and drums at the same time. It was impressive. Now even more people were looking at us. A small dog had emerged and he too stopped and began to stare. I think I saw a cop up in a tree holding binoculars. Suddenly I realized there was a solitary portapotty in the middle of the field. Surely this wasn't a public toilet. We had just come from the public toilets. No. This wasn't a toilet at all. It was a surveillance station. Who would put a portapotty in the middle of a field? It didn't make any sense.

"Hey, my love," I said to her, "I think we should walk somewhere."

"Oh yeah," she asked, looking at me a little funny, "am I being too crazy?"

"No," I said, sweating, looking again for the cop hidden in the trees, "I just think it might be fun to explore more of the park."

Just then I spotted the cop, who, instead of watching from the tree with his binoculars, was now trying to conceal himself behind the portapotty. And the dog was with him, too. Never trust a fucking dog. You see, that's why I like cats. A cat will never turn out to be a cop. Okay, we had to get out of here. They were moving in on us.

"Okay, babe," I started to say, but when I turned to her I saw that she had wrapped herself up completely in the blue blanket and was dancing around like a reanimated mummy. Jesus, I thought, there goes plausible deniability. It's easily 100 degrees outside. There isn't anything more conspicuous you could do than cover your entire body in a blanket and start dancing. She might as well have made a sign that says we're on drugs. When she spun around I saw that she had written a sign that said we're high on life. Man, it was too nice to go to jail today.

"Hey, my love," I began to say.

"Mmm mm ngah urgghh ufff! Ahh mm a barrghhttahh!" she screamed from under the blanket.

"What?" I asked, starting to panic.

She thrust her head out through the blanket and said, "I am not your love, I am a burrito!"

I didn't know what to say.

"Got any...gwah KA MO' LAYYYY?!"

I started to run. She picked up the speaker and my Sonny and the Sunsets bag and chased after me. I ran into the toilets we had been to earlier. I started to piss when I heard the music approaching outside. Bill Withers "You Got the Stuff" was playing. Was everyone trying to get me arrested today? Et tu, Billte?

"My love, are you in there?" Asia asked.

"Yeah, I'm pissing."

"Come on out, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow the house down!"

"Not. By. The. Hair. On. My. Chinny. Chin. Chin!" I screamed back.

"Can you please come out? There's a nice police officer who wants to speak to you."

Fuck. "Oh, sure, one second!!" I said, as calmly as I could. Quickly I snatched the bag of mushrooms from my pocket. "Just a moment." I shook the contents of the bag into the toilet. "I get a little shy sometimes when I know people are listening." I hammered on the handle to flush the bowl but nothing was happening. Again. Nothing. Again.

"Are you okay, my love?" Asia asked, sounding anxious. The music stopped.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I umm, one sec." I began kicking madly at the handle. Bruce Lee roundhouse kicking the handle. Nothing. Chuck Norris flying kicking the handle. In vain. I looked up and saw the sign that said Achtung! Dein Schwanz ist klein! Fuck! I think that means the toilet is out of order. Of course it is. There wasn't any water in the bowl - it was all piss. Well, I guess I was out of options. My only chance was to play stupid. Obviously they weren't my mushrooms. So I threw the empty baggy on the floor, prepared my soberest smile, and exited the toilet.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Asia asked, laughing.

"Like what?" I said, smiling and looking around for the cop. "Where's the cop?"

"What cop?" she asked.

"You just told me there was a cop out here."

"Ohh," she said, laughing harder than before, "I'm sorry, I was kidding. Why would there be a random cop who wants to talk to you?!"

...

"What are you, high?!"

...

"Oh. You are."

...

"You flushed the mushrooms, didn't you?"

...

"I didn't hear the toilet flush though."

...

"They're floating in a pile of piss aren't they?"

"...yes."

We walked across the park and laid in the shade of a tree where two guys played Spanish guitar. The wind ran its fingers over the grass like it was petting a big dog. Trees swayed happily on the breeze. In the distance, a group of elderly pagans seemed to have constructed a maze, or a small amphitheatre made of stones. One of them seemed to be holding a wooden fish. Maybe they were Christians. Let's stay far away from them.

The next thing I knew we were walking through a labyrinth while an old woman played a sad clarinet which served as theme music for our death march through the winding narrow path. This wasn't the first time I had found myself unintentionally walking with a partner through a labyrinth while on psychedelics. An odd thing to have happen to you more than once, no? This time was different, though. We walked without hurry. We giggled and talked and took moments of silence, and when we got to the center we didn't immediately turn around and leave, we sat down. Children came and fluttered around us, paying no mind to the deliberately designed passages and, instead, chose to form their own paths by hopping over the rocks and chasing each other with no specific goal of arriving at the middle. Then someone said something in German. Asia told me this meant there was about to be a performance. I turned around and saw a man with a strange music box that he was pumping at his pelvis. The children stopped to watch. Parents, too. The man and his musicians began making odd sounds and harmonies, some nightmarish, and some choirly. We watched this for a while. A cello and a gong were added to the mix. Eventually we relocated to a patch of sunny grass between some trees behind the show. By this time we were sobering up and reflecting on the experience. I shared some vulnerabilities with Asia and she listened with open ears and an open heart. Her eyes were so full of warmth and love. I wanted to crush her in my arms. She asked me good questions and after talking I felt even closer to her.

We went back to the rose garden and I had a beer before eating another mushroom which I had fished out of the toilet with a piece of dental floss. We went grocery shopping before going home to cook. We ate and danced and listened to music. After that we went back to the park to catch a 9:30 showing of Green Book in the open air movie theatre. It was a beautiful warm night and the skies were clear. Overhead stars were twinkling. We laid out our blue blanket on the seats and cuddled up next to one another. The movie was safe and somewhat archetypal, having a mass appeal; nothing mind-blowing. The day was perfect and easy and effortless.

I'm glad I spent it with you.

After the movie was over I turned off the TV and kicked everyone out of my apartment. Asia and I set up a tent in my living room and turned on the sounds of the forest. Inside the tent we smoked some weed from a small bong and listened to the farm animals in the night. A mushroom came to me. It said that humans think they're tripping when they eat mushrooms, but they are mistaken. It's the mushroom that's tripping, not the human. It's only while the fungus is being absorbed into the lifestream of the human that it can achieve self actualisation. 

Because mushrooms don't have eyes. 
Or legs. 
Or ears. 
Or a nose, or mouth. They 
want 
to 
dance. 

They want to feel -- any feeling, not just pleasure. But also pain, struggle. All feelings are okay, because the experience is only temporary. 

The mushroom told me that everything is always okay, and it's all connected through an elaborate mycelial network, a sort of vibrating harmonic web of light and energy and sound, and that humans are lucky because they have a unique psycho-physiology that allows them to perceive the structures of this web. The mushroom's head became a spider's head. It danced all around me in circles as shimmering light fell out of its mouth and wrapped me in a suit of armor. I couldn't really move anymore but I didn't want to. I felt safe, and happy. The spider mushroom told me it would take control of my brain if I wanted, but that I didn't have a choice anyway. It told me I would one day climb to the tallest structure I could find, but it would take me a long time. The structure wasn't a structure in a physical sense, it was something that forms by the passing of time. But the spider-mushroom-me assured myself that it would take a lifetime to reach the proper height and, once I reached it, that it (me) would burst from my brain and all the spores would rain down like electric snow pollenating generations of beings that would come into being but had not yet come into being, and that this contribution was essential and unpreventable. 

It sounds like fireworks, I told mushroom spider me. It is like fireworks, I told me.