Thoughts

There are two basic kinds of thoughts. The first is the kind produced by thinking. This type of thought commonly stems from an earnest question, is structured, nuanced, has an attainable answer and, while it may not always be patently obvious, or even remotely clear at the time, there is a kind of trajectory involved. These thoughts are conversational, exploratory, they seek to clarify; what am I doing here; should I take this new job; why is the sky blue? Then, there are the other thoughts. These thoughts are more like an occurrence in the mind. Seeming to come out of nowhere, they flare up - either acutely or chronically - and serve little purpose but to draw attention to themselves. For instance, wondering if a package you'd ordered has arrived, or if you left the stove on before leaving your home, whether you smell funny. Thoughts like these are specific, noncomplex and circular in nature. Thinking harder about them typically does not help one arrive any closer to an answer. They tend to cause anxiety or distress.

As we age we seem to spend most of our time in that second category of questions - the ones that add to worry; can I afford my mortgage; what happens if I lose my job; does my partner really love me; will my medicine be covered by my insurance; will my foot ever heal; besides eating drinking and fucking, what have I done with my life; is this what I want? The questions are heavy, and they long for the calm assurance of an answer. But they are not questions that can ever easily be answered. Often, it is only time that will tell. And so the answers to these questions are ransomed by an unknown quantity of passing seconds, days, weeks, months, years. But will we ever have enough time? What if we never learn the answers? Ah, an even more frightening question.

A curious, determined mind should be able - if given enough time - to convert uncertainty into certainty. The pursuit of knowledge should eventually present the seeker with the truth he or she seeks. That is, if they are assiduous. Not all of us are, however. Some of us get deterred by difficulty. We wallow in this sense of petulant, frustrated helplessness, and like a child angry and ashamed that it can't yet wipe its own ass, we try to rid ourselves of the feeling. After a while we say fuck it and begin to hold in our shit to spare ourselves the disappointment, the embarrassment, so that we don't have to admit defeat. Soon we fill up with toxic pollutants and rotten poisons that leak back into our bloodstreams. We feel miserable, heavy with unhappiness, stuffed full of pent up feelings of anger or fear. Without an outlet, without a real sense of ever achieving release, we go on this way until it kills us. Through stubborn attrition, our spirits wilt and stultify, becoming less than useless - burdensome.

It doesn't need to be that way, though. There is a way out. We can learn to relax, and to accept our failings. And by embracing our shortcomings we allow ourselves a certain vulnerability that we cannot achieve with another. This in turn fosters a kind of comfort in one's own skin that encourages greater relaxation, greater trust, and greater love. When we're able to start this conversation with ourselves, the reward is redemptive; nourishing thoughts shine like warm light, obliterating the dark and drying out the damp, fungal smell of doubt and self-contempt. Then, instead of restless thoughts, we're greeted by thoughts of compassion, forgiveness, encouragement; congratulatory thoughts that seek to celebrate instead of censure, affirm instead of deny.

Once we can do that, we'll have time for those more important thoughts; if you're waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter; why is it called a building when it's already built; if you get out of the shower clean, then how does your towel get dirty?