You Tah

No time to write tonight. I'm getting the last pieces all packed up for my trip to Utah tomorrow. It's been brought to my attention that this trip is a bit more perilous than I'd thought. I just watched a personal safety video specifically designed for some of the places I want to visit while I'm there. What it tells you, in seventeen minutes or less, is that if you go here, you're probably gonna die. They rattle off the names of poisonous animals; rattlesnakes, black widows, stinging ants and bees, scorpions; they talk about dehydration and severe sunburns, flash floods, and the dangers of loose footing. Quicksand and other life threatening surprises patiently await you at the Coyote Buttes. I especially liked the line about not stepping on the dinosaur tracks. The BLM even takes care to provide you with bio-bags to shit in - since there aren't any toilets out in the remote wilderness. The Profuser and I were joking about revising the video, just a little:

“While in Coyote Buttes, please take special care not to defecate. It is recommended that hikers gorilla glue their anuses shut at least 24 hours prior to entering the monument. Remember, the best way to pack out human waste is to recycle it back into your own body."

"Keep in mind that it may take rescue teams hours, or even days to find you. If you need help, fall, or get bitten, remain calm; you're going to die and there isn't anything you can do about it."

"At night temperatures can drop well below freezing. If you think the inside of your car will protect you from the cold, think again. 12 out of 9 people freeze to death in their cars every hour in Coyote Buttes, even in the summer."

"By the time you feel thirsty...you're already fucking dead, bro."

I've made the necessary arrangements with my femme French liaison and entrusted her with tending to all the details of my death. She agreed to place the proper inscriptions upon my tomb:

"Your unusually small penis Will be missed. God knows how well you knew how to use it. Forever"

She also said she would lie about my life to make it seem grander than it really was. She is a true friend. 

What if I did die though? What if this was my last post? Would I want to be remembered this way? Talking about death and feces, dicks? I think we both know the answer to that question. 

Hmm. Is there anything I'd want to say if this were my last chance to say something? Given enough time I'm sure anyone could think up a litany of things, but if I had to decide now, in this moment, what would I say? I'd want to right those I may have wronged; to apologize to the hearts I was reckless with and the friendships I've let fall to the floor; to tell the people I care about that I love them. That I never knew what I was doing, even when it seemed like I did? That the moments I enjoyed most were the ones I wasted? 

Nah.

I think I'd just talk about dicks.

Also, why do people always talk about drug problems? People I know have drug solutions. Is that even a good line? I'd have to roll up a dollar bill to find out.

I'm here all night folks.