Caught up in the whirlwind of the weekend, I neglected to comment on something that was brought to my attention this past Friday.
After doing my laundry, which went without incident - I wasn't accosted by anyone with mental illness or aggressive tendencies - I set out to seize the city and capture it with my camera-lens. Trekking through the Presidio, through forests that gave way to a cemetery and eventually the Golden Gate Bridge, I spent much of the day completely alone - save for one interaction via text message.
The message was from a friend whom shall remain unnamed, and it contained a link to a pornographic website. I'm not sure if this person's intention was to share some quality smut or to dazzle me with a rare gem, but whatever his intention, I was definitely dazzled. Not by the porn, though. I couldn't watch it because I was out taking photos of hard wood. I was dazzled by the title of the movie.
It was the kind of title with one foot firmly planted on either side of a boundary; brilliance and banality. It was either the work of a master poet, practiced at the delicate art of pornographic philology, or an asinine assemblage of slang and euphemism that approached a kind of Mad-Libs absurdity:
Bald Pink Sausage Wallet Slides Over Bulbous Cock.
In all my years purveying porn I had never come across a title so descriptive and debonair, yet so crude and crass. That prose is as purple as a bulging vein decorating a bulbous cock. I feel like it should be read aloud by Steve Irwin (god rest his soul) during a nature documentary depicting the beauty of human copulation. Or perhaps its place is in a Shakespearean comedy of errors concerning a bald miser and a rotund male rooster.
It made me realize how lazy other titles are; Tight Teens; School-girls Who Love to Fuck; Barely Legal Babysitters; Big-Booty-Bitches; Luscious Lesbos Who Love to Lick. At least they employ good use of alliteration. But still, these titles all pale in comparison to our wordsmith who dreamt up "sausage wallet." In his honor, I have taken it upon myself to try my hand at a few strokes:
Dunkin Dozenuts Sprays Hot Viscous Glaze All Over Mucilaginous Maiden
Bellicose Swashbuckling Penis Plunders Pirate's Booty
Waterlogged Octogenarian Sucks a Slimy Skin-Slug Through Her Pie-Hole
Mustardy Hotdog Bun Encapsulates Jumbo Dick
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